Monday 10 September 2012

Diaries of Down 3

So I have a few questions:

  • Am I depressed?  Do I have depression?  Am I a depressive?  Does the fact that I'm taking medication and it's making me feel better change how I describe IT?  Change the wording?

  • What about the days when everything goes back to grey despite the medication?  Does it make it even more serious?  Does it mean something isn't working?  Or is this just life?  The ups and downs.  Can't be OK all the time, can we??

  • Is the fact that I wake up tired despite hours of sleep linked to the dreams that I think are a side effect of the medication?  I've always dreamt lots and woken up remembering them every day, but I think they are even more vivid now.     Last night I dreamed about fighting evil postmen, being charged huge sums of money for painting green sparkly nail varnish on the wall of a community centre, delaying everyone at a service station because I couldn't pull my trousers down in order to go to the toilet, then being unable to walk due to a dodgy hip that I used to have as a baby.  The service station and carpark then transformed into a huge ship with the whole world on it.  A dictatorship infact, with an uknown ruler and unclear rules but the constant threat of real punishment.  So everyone lived in fear, food was scarce, and it got darker and darker.  Despite the fact that faith didn't seem to be allowed, me and Llewellyn went out on to the deck and started praying with tears running down our faces.  To our surprise, others started to join in with honest pleas.  Then I started singing, and a bunch of people I didn't know from different countries started joining in, running around the ship, dancing and singing with all our might.  We didn't know what the consequences were going to be, but in that moment, it didn't matter.

OK so the Batman film 'The dark Knight' clearly influenced some of this, along with road trips over the summer, and the fact that we no longer have our friendly postman in our new building.  But still, it all seems a bit dramatic and means I wake up feeling like I've spent the whole night tense and stressed.

  • How do I know when to stop taking Happy Pills.  To be honest, I am scared of what might happen when I do.  
  • Does there always have to be a REASON for depression?  Is taking medication an escape from facing up to it - whatever IT may be, because I'm pretty clueless to be honest.
OK enough questions for now.  I'll leave "Am I Crazy?" for another day ;-)

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