I Was Raised (An attempt to sum up my spiritual journey in a less-than-5-minute poem)

As the blog title says... this is an attempt - to put some of the last 30 years into words --

I wrote this for a performance at a Poets & MCs Battle event for Brighton Fringe, at Komedia, so needed it to make some sense to people who weren't familiar with a Christian upbringing. And I was on the 'Spirit' team (battling the 'Sceptics') so it forced me to dig deep to find the hope often buried under cynicism. I definitely didn't find it easy to write!

5 minutes and words alone in general will never be enough, this is only a slice and simplification of the story. But it's a start. An offering. It's cliche but I think faith is most certainly a journey and things change day to day. For most of us. I don't think it's healthy to stick in exactly the same place, even if that makes it all a lot more uncertain. Performers on both the Spirit and Sceptic teams agreed that an open mind was really important and there were elements of doubt and hope and questionning in all perspectives.

Anyways, here goes!

I was raised 

I was raised in the holy city of Basingstoke
On a diet of memory verses -
I could recite a Psalm, or three, or four for you
List the books of the Bible
Sing you a hundred modern day hymns
I was raised on communion and creationism
On revivals, prayer meetings and baptisms
Notebooks filled with prayers and prophecies
My childhood heroes were missionaries

Next Chapter: London

So we have moved again.

I'm still pulling together the pieces of me that have felt both squeezed and scattered over the past few months, in the stress, pressure, uncertainty and tiredness of moving and a busy season at work and that commute and generally not feeling settled in the place we've been in since September.

So this is more of a selection of reflections that have stuttered out of me over the first two Saturdays in our new home, the first couple of day in ages when the clock and email and to-do list haven't ruled and my body and mind have had an opportunity to slow down.

I still feel a long way from myself, if that makes any sense. My thoughts come clumsy and half formed, eluding definition. But I'm trying to shape them into some form, trying to turn them into stepping stones out of one season and into the next, so that I don't get stuck in the middle for too long. So even though this post keeps subsiding into a shapeless jumble, I'll post it. Because marking the moments is important, isn't it?

There's photos too, because for the first time in ages last weekend I got to go out walking with my camera and no time limit. Last weekend, on the morning of a long long awaited opportunity for a lie in, I of course woke up at 3.30am (why???!!), couldn't get back to sleep and so after watching the remaining episodes of New Girl, I decided to get out in the early morning light and explore our new neighbourhood.

Secret places / Spring in the air

We spent Friday night and Saturday with some artist-y people in Harpenden. We roasted marshmallows around a big bonfire, drank lots of coffee, enjoyed some amazing paintings exhibited in a chapel, talked about how art and God and the world connect, about finding God in secret places, we shared stories, and had time to enjoy the peaceful surroundings in the creeping-in-spring-air.

2015: an in between sort of year

2015 is coming to an end, so let's embrace all the cliches and reflect, because if not now then when?

Ideally I'd like a few days to be still, and quiet, and ponder, and prepare for the New Year. But the reality is Christmas with family full of sherry and stilton and cosy sofa times, a weekend ahead in Brighton catching up with friends (and probably more alcohol and cheese!) and in between, back to work. Fun times, for sure, but not really that reflective. And I'll be honest as much as I know I need to stop and pray, most times I'd rather just read a book and escape. So I'm trying to snatch moments - thank you notes composed on the train, pleas for a sign whispered to the stars as I cycle home from the station, pausing from the pages of an autobiography that awakens something in me.

That's kind of how life is right now - a hurried mix of gratefulness, discomfort and longing. Perhaps life's always like that, but this whole year has felt like an in-between one: endings, transitions, beginnings and all the awkwardness (and joy) that accompany them. Maybe more than ever before, no where's really felt like home this year. From the beginning of 2015 we knew we were heading 'Upcountry' and so began to loosen our Penzance roots a little. Relationships shifted, some deepening as we made the most of the last few months, others changing in ways I wish they hadn't. We took a lot of sacks to charity shops. We lightened our load, ready for the next adventure, we were excited about being closer to the rest of the world, about University for Mr Q, about London.

Thankful for: blossom, Brighton & Bnb

Right now life is pretty dominated by work and me learning how to fit into this new shape without getting stressed unecessarily, and trying to be wise about what can wait for another day. So basically pretty much the same as last time. So I could argue there's not much point posting. But I don't think being thankful is going to harm anything!

Spring

At last at last, the sun is shining, it's light when I start work and light-ish when I finish. There are flowers everywhere and yesterday it was even warm enough to sit on the beach and have a picnic. And suddenly nothing seems so bad. Weekends are even better because it means time to be out and about during the day. 

Arise, shine, for your light has come

Over the past few months I've been meeting up with a couple of amazing, creative ladies from church to do a collaborative project based around the first part of the first verse of Isaiah 60.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come"

Petrina sews, Claire paints and I write, but we all ended up doing more than that, and inspiring each other and pondering upon all sorts of things. It's quite amazing how much you can get from one verse when you really spend time on it!

As well as writing, I chose some photos that to me really connected with the theme, and did some editing which was fun. Here's some of them...

Mini mini break - Truro

We escaped to Truro for a 24 hour mini break, to celebrate hubby getting into uni, early Valentine's aaaaand just because we've never really done the whole stay-in-a-hotel thing. Since I work from home and our flat is pretty tiny and we hear our neighbours almost constantly through the thin walls, it definitely makes sense to get away in order to properly switch off. 

Thanks to Groupon we stayed in a much nicer place than we might otherwise have done: The Alverton Hotel, which at one point in its life was a convent for some nuns who did lots of good stuff in the city which is pretty cool. I chose Truro because it's near, easy to get to on the train, and yet different enough to Penzance. 

In the past I would have been almost against the whole idea and cost of hotels, but to be able to disappear from the world for a while, chill out together, have a bath (we haven't had one where we've lived for the past two years) and a comfortable bed (not had one of those either since being married!) I'd say it was definitely worth it! :-)

Thankful for: light and colour

The last couple of weeks have been split between London and Penzance. I'm thankful that I have a life that has often stretched beyond more than just one place. Glad I have the freedom and ability to travel (even if it is on megabuses), glad that I have people to live life with and learn from in these different places, glad for all the stories.

And for...

Artists

I went to see my friend Cecily's work which is on display as part of a collaborative show in Holborn. I've know her since she was doing a degree in painting in Brighton and she's always inspired me by her passion, dedication and hard work. Also hearing the thinking behind her pieces is really what wowed myself and a friend, and opened them up in a whole new way. At the same time, she reminded us to just ENJOY it. Thanks, Cecily :-)

Paris

Two weeks ago we were in Paris.

And before it fades from memory and thankfulness, here's a little celebration of exploring, of visiting a dear friend, of open spaces and grandeur, of creativity and sunny balconies and good cheese.

I'd never been to Paris before, I guess I wasn't that fussed about going, and if Heloise had lived in another place then we would have gone there instead. But it is a bit silly to have had a friend there all this time and never visited.

So we went. Penzance to Paris isn't a quick job when you have no car and there's only a limited number of flights leaving from Bristol airport. But after a lot of trains and buses and walking with heavy rucksacks through the dark and rain in Bristol, we got there, and I'm so glad we did.

Listening to creation (walk from Penzance to Faugan Round)

I went for a walk yesterday. Needed to get outside and breathe November air, and search for a view or too, and blow out the cobwebs as they say. Actually I found quite a lot of cobwebs on my walk, but I'll get to those later :-)

I went to explore, with an aim to find something that had caught my attention on the map. I went to find paths I'd not walked down before. Not having a car has limited how far we can go in terms of travelling around Cornwall but today reminded me again that there's always more to find and to see, right where we are, we've just got to open our eyes wider and dig a little deeper.

I'm sure I've said it before - I think creation has plenty to say to us.  And interestingly nearly all the songs that were sung at a church service I attended this evening mentioned creation or nature in some way - the sun, waves, mountains, etc - all reminding the songwriter of some aspect of the Creator.

So today, as I walked, I tried to listen...

A weekend in Exeter

Last weekend I went to Exeter.

Partly to have a break from Penzance and make the most of taking some annual leave, partly to see my little sister who studies there, partly to catch up with a a few other friends who live there, and partly because I'd never actually been into the city before.

The megabus leaves at 5am from Penzance and cost me £7 to get there. It saved me pennies and meant I had all of Saturday in Exeter (I arrived at 9am), but when my alarm clock went off at 4am - and when I was failing to sleep on the bus - I wasn't sure that saving money was all that worth it!

It was that weekend when the seasons properly changed. Saturday was the warmest start to November on record (or something like that!). My friends, Annah and Mike, have a gorgeous home that properly makes the most of sunshine, I must admit I'm a little jealous, but they've worked very hard to make it so lovely.

Exploring Cornwall: The Helford Passage

Last weekend my parents came to visit so I took the opportunity to get out and explore a little corner of this end of Cornwall that I've heard about lots but never made it down to.

Helford passage, on the Falmouth side of the Helford River, is not exactly easy to get to or on the way to anywhere, but I think that's part of the attraction.  We drove down tiny windy roads through tiny villages. We parked up on the hill near a lovely view - you can see where the river meets the sea. 

28.

I turned 28 on Wednesday.

Birthdays are always a bit strange: for me a mixture of hope and reflection and celebration and often - to be honest - a bit of loneliness and disappointment. I'm not someone who talks loads about their birthday but still hopes that somehow everyone will remember it, and maybe even plan some magical surprise party... and when it comes to any sort of celebration (always planned by me, in the end)  there's a strange mix of not wanting to be the centre of attention whilst feeling sad if people forget or don't turn up or whatever. I don't think I'm alone in this, I think birthdays are all sorts of strange in different ways for different people.

Falmouth (part 2)

I spent another Saturday in Falmouth and found new places to explore...

Death and beauty everywhere
abandonment
in hiding places
the game finished long ago

History running through rocks
and veins
the past repeats itself
the past is over
some things are best left forgotten
but not buried
perhaps, not even forgotten

But let go
let fly
A proper goodbye
to summer and mourning
autumn is coming
Winter threatens on the wind

I taste your sadness

Only He
is life-giver
And
He saw your lonely soul there
he would also
have had secret hiding-walking-light-a-fire places
Except
the cracks spell out hope in these
not forgotten

Maybe you would have started talking
And continued until the stars
switched on
and until he disappeared
said he needed to 'talk to his father'
but after
the night was not so full of fear
and the lapping water echoed his laughter

An August full of weddings

I went to three weddings in August!

Someone said I must be addicted, which I'm not sure is quite the right phrase - it wasn't like I invited myself. Haha. Since marriages have dominated my summer weekends I thought it only fitting to write a bit about them, and to share some photos (of course!), because I enjoyed taking pics at all of them. And I'm quite pleased with how they turned out, if I do say so myself. If you're on Facebook you may have already seen a ton of them!

Chris & Esther, Brighton (well, Hove actually!). I met Chris through the Breaking society at Sussex Uni

Since my own wedding, very nearly three whole years ago (mad!), the nuptial scene has been fairly quiet. There was a flurry of 'young Christian marriages' (someone had to say it) between the ages of 20 and 24 and now things have chilled a bit. So I think I appreciated this year's weddings more than some - hate to say it but 6 or seven in a year can get a bit much... - I KNOW they are a special day but hours of high heels and small talk can be a bit of a killer.  High heels and small talk were involved to some extent in the last three weddings BUT so was plenty of great conversations, dancing, beautiful flowers, good food, colour, beauty and a lot of love.

James & Lily, St Ives Harbour. I met Lily at the House of Prayer, when we visited Cornwall in 2012

Weddings can be quite reflective times, partly they because mark what can be a huge change in two people's lives.  I suppose they are a bit of a goodbye as well as a hello.  Wedding guests are all the people who've played an important role in one of both of the couple's life up until that point.  This was highlighted by the longest-groom's-speech-ever this weekend in which Benny, my 'little brother', thanked the whole world INDIVIDUALLY for how they'd shaped his and his new wife's lives. I'll be honest Benny, after 40 minutes and you hadn't got to your family yet we were nearly downing the remnants of the champagne BUT I also think why not? What a great opportunity to celebrate friendship and family how relationships really can save you.  After the wedding, things may never quite be the same, including other relationships.  I don't think that's right or wrong but I guess it's kind of bound to happen.  There's quite a few people I haven't seen since my wedding.  Not by choice, but more life taking us down different paths.

Ben & Jess, Godalming. My mum went to uni with Benny's parents. So I've know him all his life!

As we enter September I'm still in that reflective place, perhaps because the three weddings represented three major parts of my life. One in Brighton, one in St Ives and one in Godalming (with strong links to the not quite so quaint Basingstoke). One for a University friend, one a Cornish-church friend and one a family friend. Two guys who are like brothers and one girl who was quite instrumental in us moving to Cornwall. I didn't know their partners very well, and no one went to any of the other weddings (even hubby only came to one). So three very different worlds, that haven't really overlapped in my almost 28 years. At this last one, my parents and sisters were there, but also friends from primary school AND (unexpectedly) friends from time spent in Ibiza and Spain a few years ago. All I need now is a Zambian wedding and an Oxford wedding and I'd have pretty much all 'homes' covered!

My main ponderings have been about that whole balance of past, present and future.  I've probably mentioned before how I'm prone to nostalgia. Which I reveals itself in my 'need' to document life—in journal entries, blog posts, photos, boxes of letters and cards.  To me the past is what has shaped us into who we are today, and so I feel it's important to remember it, to look back and learn and be thankful.  Maybe if my past had been horrendous I'd feel differently? Maybe if I had a fixed place I belonged to or 'came from' I wouldn't care so much? I know other people have a very different perspective - that today is what matters.

Mr Q doesn't understand why I value photos and old diaries so much (causing slight tension over the amount of shelf space they take up, haha!).  He doesn't really seem interested in my life before I met him. He's interested in who we are now, today. Which I appreciate is probably wise, without feeling able to totally 'get'. I suppose dwelling on the past doesn't really help you move forwards, so I know I probably have some more letting go to do.  Which scares me, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because stories from the past seem more interesting than the current moment, even though I know we look back on things with rose-tinted glasses. Maybe because to me, letting go reduces the value of something, or someone. But perhaps that isn't true either.

I'm considering writing a memoir about my time growing up in Zambia. Partly because I don't want to forget. Maybe once I've done that, I'll feel more able to let go? Is that a good reason to write something?

I don't know. As with many things there probably isn't a wrong or right and it's probably about finding some sort of elusive balance.  Other people might get overly caught up in the future, in worrying or dreaming or making extensive plans (or all three) and missing out on the present in the process.  Then again maybe we need the mixture of historians and prophets and the right-here-right-now-ers.

It's not easy, this BE-ing present in the present. Not at all. I think for me it requires more intentionality rather than drifting along, including being still on purpose, and being OK with who I am and where I am today.

How about you? Where do you find yourself dwelling?

PS I know I went a bit off track but Hooray for the newlyweds, I'm privileged to be/have been a part of their lives :-)

PPS This is my 701st blog post. MAD.

Saturday out in Falmouth

Yesterday we escaped from Penzance for a few hours to go and explore Falmouth a little.  I love the colour and creativity, along with the usual funny contrasts and interesting characters that Cornwall seems to abound in!  It was good to have a change of scene even though we've only been back for a week...  

 Beerwolf Books - the smell of books and beer - and a new, very reasonably priced poetry book. woop.

 Amanzi, a restaurant serving African food.  We had South African lager and Bunny Chow for lunch. mmm.

Ffald y Brenin

I'm on holiday in Pembrokeshire with my family and we happen to be staying just a few miles from Ffald y Brenin, a Christian house of prayer and retreat centre.  Our friends who built the Cornwall House of Prayer that we were living next to and helping out at were inspired by a trip to this place in the middle of hills and valleys and sheep fields.  It became known after many people had unexpected and profound experiences of God there, and now thousands of people visit.

This morning some of us went over to take a look. It was lovely to be somewhere so peaceful and still; a place set aside for reflection and listening and blessing.  Especially in the sunshine with lots of space to wander and sit outdoors...

This story is not all butterflies and roses
Then again,
Perhaps it is
Delicate wings disguise the struggle they endured
To come into being
The pressure and darkness of the cocoon

Silken petals hide
Thorny stems
Waiting to draw blood
From anyone that gets too close

Beauty and pain
Sunshine and rain
We'll never be the same again

Sorrow and love
flow mingled down
Unrequited
When will my people turn back
Wilderness
Tears the only water
But after a time
We walk from death to life
From lack to plenty
From promises to reality

Port Eliot and the Poetry Army

Last Saturday was just a total GIFT.

A poetry friend from Brighton, (Roy Hutchins) sent out an email about something he was doing at Port Eliot Festival, and did anyone want to get involved?  I did, but thought I wouldn't be able to afford it. But after having such a positive afternoon performing at the Penzance Litfest the week before, Hubby encouraged me to just GO FOR IT.  So I did, and ended up getting a free ticket and a super cheap train. Woo hoo!

I hadn't really heard of Port Eliot before, but it was probably the nicest festival I've been to. Not that I've been to loads, but everything about it was so pleasing on the eye. Set in the grounds of a large stately home, there was a lake, and trees, and green, and bursts of colour and creativity around every corner, and down every winding path. AND it was hot, hot, hot. Nice.

There's a whole lot of history to the festival that I won't go in to, but I believe it started off as a small literary festival, and has since grown! The majority of things going on were literary based, but there was also music, fashion, art, food and more.

I took part in something called the Poetry Army.  12 of us, just gathered on the day, from all over the UK, performed a piece written by Heathcote Williams.  It combined excerpts of poetry from across the ages to demonstrate the power of poetry to bring about change. We performed in the 'Round Room' in the main house - a round room (yes, really) with crazy murals covering the walls, and books carved of wood, and a grand piano! Really cool, and great to hear a wide range of voices representing an even wider range of people who weren't afraid to speak (write) truth.

Words are POWERFUL.

So that was great, and the rest of the day was super lovely.  I hung out with some of the Poetry Army people, and listened to more great poems, like by Salena Godden, and took photographs, and heard beautiful music (like Luke Sital Singh singing stunning songs that filled the stained glass old church building), and felt peaceful and inspired. Like I said, a gift of a day.

Here's some more pics, and some of the parts of poems that were read:

Poetry is like the water that washes the shores

The wind that cleans us

The fire which joins us together

And it lives within us

To make us better people...

Victor Lidio Jara Martinez (not sure which poem this is from)

We are the music-makers,

And we are the dreamers of dreams,

Wandering by lone sea-breakers,

And sitting by desolate streams.

World-losers and world-forsakers,

Upon whom the pale moon gleams;

Yet we are the movers and shakers,

Of the world forever, it seems.

'We are the Music Makers' - Arthur O'Shaughnessy

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise. 

From 'Still I Rise' - Maya Angelou

Last Friday night in Newlyn (or Wherrytown to be precise!)

Time for more strange Cornish creatures... teenagers and crabs!! Haha.

We've started helping out a little at a youth group, and on Friday we went down to Newlyn for a BBQ on the 'beach' (more like pile of stones resembling a building site, but nevermind!)...

I'm loving the sunshine and taking my camera out everywhere at the moment, hence me posting a lot more photos than words lately.  I also know I need to write, but I keep putting it off... because my thoughts mainly consist of either "Thank you for the sun and the sea and the amazing people in my life" - which I assume other people don't want to hear ALL the time (so I'll take photos of them instead and make people think life in Cornwall is perfect!! haha!) - OR "I'm too sad about this or that situation to even put it into words". Yes life is, as usual, full of it's ups and downs and sun and rain, and I'm often swung between the two, unable to grasp the middle ground.

So, pretty photos for now it is then! :)