And this whole church search upon a Sunday eve didn't come out of guilt, I'm over that. It didn't come out of duty or tradition or religion. It didn't come from a belief that God can only be found in a service or a building. And as we weren't in Brighton amongst those we know, it wasn't for social/relational/people-y reasons either. So I guess there's still this tiny bit of me that hopes/wants to believe that 'going to Church' - regardless of where and what that is - means going to meet with God. That something about it will aid connection, will prompt me to worship, to forget the world for a moment. And I am sure that there is something about the intentionality of GOING, of stepping outside of our comfort zones, that does make space for this to happen more easily.
Thing is... once i get to a church, pretty much any church, instead of focussing on God, I get overwhelmed by so many thoughts/opinions/criticisms of how things look, how they are done, what's being said, etc etc. The church is made up of human beings, so obviously it's not going to be perfect. But it is also called the 'Body of Christ', which suggests that somehow in the midst of the brokeness and mess, there's also beauty, there's some of the many facets of God being reflected, there's hope.
And while it's not all about the building, the service, etc, this is what people first see when they 'go to church'. So how much does it matter? Sometimes I've thought it really is important. That in order to be relevant and accessible, churches need to 'get with it' and do things well, catch up with the rest of the world and serve nice coffee, have comfortable seats, atmospheric lighting, etc. And I think there is a place for this, although perhaps more in the cases of cafes/galleries/community centres/etc where people are coming to hang out and spend a lot of time.
But do our places of communal worship (in the singing/praying kind of sense) really need to be like that too? I am not so sure anymore. Why do we need coloured lights and big screens? Why do we need beanbags on the floor, cupcakes and filter coffee? To be honest, if someone walked off the street in search of God, I don't know that any of those external things would make the slightest bit of difference. To be honest I wonder if we've 'comfied' up our church buildings to stop people leaving (as all the teenagers drift into cozy numbness), rather than encouraging new people in. I doubt anyone would say, wow that sound system was so big - there must be a God!! I've spoken with friends recently who don't 'go to church' regularly and they've actually been confused and put off by the level of showiness and technology they've glimpsed in some church meetings.
We did go to church on New Years Day. And it was nice. NICE! Is that really what we're hungry for? A nice time? A nice evening spent in a nice venue with nice singing. No offence to the church - I know I am in no place to judge, and I know it was my own problem for letting superficial things distract me. But I still feel like we've got to think about these things. We were singing about walls being broken down, about wanting Jesus to come... all in soft tones to soft rock guitar with pink and purple lighting and I wanted to bang a huge symbol, I wanted to shout, scream, jump up and down. (Perhaps I should have done, perhaps I still care too much about what everyone else thinks... but perhaps I will be the crazy lady at the back of the room sooner than i thought!! haha!) . If we're really desperate for some hope in this world, desperate for things to change, desperate for lives and situations to get turned around, then shouldn't we show it?!
OK my thoughts are drifiting and I this is already long. As you can tell these are things that get me. Have done for years... and probably will for the rest of my life. Maybe that's not a bad thing. I don't want to be caught sleeping, to stop searching. But I'll stop typing for now :-)
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