Wednesday 27 June 2012

Diaries of 'Down' - Part 2

I've had quite a few responses to the last post.  Which actually made me kind of embarrassed even though I know they were written out of concern.  It's funny isn't it, because on the one hand I want people to know the truth, but at the same time the idea of people feeling sorry for me makes me feel awkward.  And it's so easy to believe that it's not OK to not be OK.  I think that's what makes this whole business about being weak, and less than 'fine', even more difficult.  There's a shame about it. And it's interesting the only reason I felt able to even write about this is that I am actually feeling a whole lot better now.

Anyways I wanted to write a bit about the side effects of the medication I'm taking... I was warned, but I didn't expect to experience such a range of them, and so quickly...

Day 1
I took the pills when I woke up - what with contraception and antihistamines I feel a bit like my Grandfather who I always remember taking lots of pills in the morning!  After just a couple of hours I started to feel really nauseous, so much so that I left work early and wasn’t up to much for the rest of the day.  I think friends in the office thought I might be pregant!  Oof, if morning sickness is like that... wow.  It almost made me want to give up straight away.  But thinking of all the pregnant women who cope with morning sickness actually made me think I can do it too!

Day 2
Thankfully I felt OK today as I was doing care work and didn’t want to let them down.  My stomach was slightly dodgy towards the end of the day though.  Had a nice time chilling with husband in the evening, felt like for once I wasn’t bringing a cloud into the flat and laughed for what seemed like the first time in ages.  Llewellyn said he’d noticed I seemed happier. 

Day 3
Felt a little nauseous again, and pretty tired, although that might have been due to a bit of a late night but tried to ignore it.  Went to church with hubby for first time in ages and for once I didn’t cry!  At lunch with friends, and later on in the evening when hanging out with a group of people, I actually felt like I wanted to be there, and I laughed, and I felt like myself.  And it felt good.  I’m wary of saying they are working already, because been warned a lot of the side effects, and of the possibility of feeling very up and down (even suicidal) in first couple of weeks.  But I do feel lighter, for sure.

Day 4
Today I couldn’t stop yawning, like I don’t think I’ve ever yawned so much!  And I couldn’t keep still, I was jiggling around even more than usual. The warmer weather probably didn’t help but I these are all possible side effects.  I also went to the toilet quite a lot!  Fell asleep when I got home from work, but again I didn’t feel as down as usual.

Day  9
The looong train journey to Cornwall.  I hadn't really felt nauseous all week, until this morning.  Great timing with a 7 hour train journey South West on a very hot day!!  And no air conditioning in our carriage.  I spent most of the time with my head hanging out the door window and then eventually threw up (yup, details!) - and of course it was the moment I stepped out of the toilet and someone else went in.... thank God for plastic bags... but they do always have holes in them!!  To make things it caused blood vessels in my face to burst leaving me with what looks like a strange speckled rash on my face.  I looked pretty awful as we arrived in Cornwall and felt the need to tell our hosts I don't normally look like this!  I also told them about the medication I was taking, just so they knew, and they were really understanding and chilled about it which was a relief.

Week 2 and 3
Cornwall was, as I've said before, just what I needed.  After the vomitty train day, I didn't experience any more bad physical side effects.  And pretty much as soon as we arrived I was feeling happier, more relaxed and more 'myself'.  Perhaps a change of scene would have worked its magic without the help of the 'drugs', but I think it was probably a combination, and either way it's such a relief to be feeling different.  I barely spent anytime analysing the way I was feeling, I just enjoyed 'being', existing in the moment, which is more the way I want to live my life!  I think I only cried once in nearly two weeks.  Absolute miracle!!

Week 4
Back to Brighton and after a couple of days of continuing in the holiday spirit, I was hit by the post-holiday-blues.  I worried I was 'going down the tube' again until my sister told me she always feels crappy after a holiday.  Not been away in so long I'd forgotten that.  Plus periods are never that helpful in the general emotional scheme of things.  That plus other 'issues' meant me and Mr Q upset each other too.  So all in all a pretty rubbish week, but at least there were reasons for it.

Week 5
Made up with hubby.  Hooray!  Determined not to fall back in the rut we felt stuck in before going to Cornwall.  Managing to be more positive about work, and doing my best to come home to our flat with a smile.  I can say 'I'm fine' and mean it.

With regards side effects, still feel a bit fidgety sometimes, but that might just be me.  'She never could sit still that one!' - says Mum.  Also my dreams, which have always been quite detailed and memorable, are even more vivid, and mixed up, and a bit more stressful.  Basically my mind combines all the things I've thought about/seen/read/etc even if just for a brief moment. and churns out some random story - that usually involves me being late and in a state of undress.  As I said, stressful.  But they could be worse!  One day I'll start writing them down...

Week 6
Where I am now.  Stressed sometimes.  Frustrated sometimes.  Sad sometimes.  But these are also a part of life.  And I'm not overwhelmed.


Engels=English said...

Dear Katrina, you're so cool. Always have been, always will be.
For the pukiness: take in the evening before bed and/or with milk.

Big Hug, Eliza

RebeccaGayleCollection said...

I was just about to write "you're so cool" then read your previous comment. In fact I was talking to Lily and your cousin, Sarah this week about how much we want to be like you,and how cool you are!!!
I get really tired on those tablets too and really nauseous! It does get better, as for morning sickness, its kinda like that but all day every day for some! Like me for the first 12 weeks! Joy!
xx Love you, CANNOT WAIT to see you again!

Adele said...

I love that you're blogging about this in such detail because I'm sure it will be useful for someone. It took me back to read about those side effects! I hope it all settles down for you soon. There were certain side effects I just wasn't willing to deal with but it sounds like you're managing so far.

It's amazing how in the family blogging world PND is so common that it's really OK to say that you're not OK. Just a musing (SUCH a mummy blogger musing!).

Love you lots. xxx