Saturday, 29 December 2007
and YET, this materialistic culture permeates deeper than i think. it's easy to say all of the above until you are standing in a clothes shop during the sales and tops are going for £3 and suddenly your mind goes blank of all the tops you own already and that one suddenly does seem like a necessity. and after all it's Christmas; it's OK to treat yourself... and you try to forget everything you've ever heard about shopping ethically (same goes when i am in 'desperate need' of chocolate and galaxy is half the price of a fairtrade bar...) and tell yourself NEXT TIME... NEXT TIME...
i also bought a pair of boots that are exactly the same as the pair that i have walked all over Sevilla in this year and made holes in the heels. I've never done that before; bought an exact replica of something. I feel like my Uncle who was talking about how he buys the same pair of shoes and trousers everytime; and wears them till they wear out then buys more. 'how boring' i thought to myself... and now here i am. But in my defense they are the only pair of shoes i've had in a long time that i find really comfortable and that fit my 5 1/2 feet suitably. My feet rebel against nearly all shoes, they'd really rather be bare, but sadly that's just not always possible. More so in Spain where it actually seems to be offensive to remove your shoes!
So, with my new shoes and top i don't know whether to feel guilty, which doesn't really solve anything. I guess i should enjoy them but at the same time i do really want to make 2008 the start of a more simple and ethical way of living...
Friday, 28 December 2007
ITS BEEN GREAT!!
I don't think i've ever appreciated being in England as much as I am at the moment; it's a weird feeling - having been someone in the past who was desperate to escape this small rainy island as soon as possible - but i think it's a good thing. I am enjoying being able to understand people talking around me, and just observing the weird and wonderful British ways. It's also been fantastic to be with friends who make you feel immediately that you can be yourself - and that that is all you need to be.
I was still struggling a bit in Spain even when my sister was out visiting, athough we had a lot of fun especially going to the beach in Cadiz, hearing live jazz, and having a deliscious meal with friends. It wasn't till i was on the plane that i felt 'lighter' and i think a lot of that was due to my sister praying. I'm a bit worried the same feelings will return when i go back to Spain, but am trying not to think about that too much and just make the most of my time here. Which is going way too fast!!
Friday, 14 December 2007
that´s not how it feels at the moment. does that mean i'm actually following something/someone else? have i missed something here? this week i've felt heavy... like everything is an effort and that numbness continues - like even though there's been lots of good things that normally i would really enjoy it´s as though their colour has faded and again i'm watching myself go through the motions without really feeling like i'm there.
but i'm beginning to think maybe it's nothing dramatic, maybe it's just that i'm tired. end-of-term and need to go home kind of tired. tired of a term that´s lasted about 3 months instead of the 10 weeks i am accustomed too, of spending over 2 hours every day walking/bus-ing around the city, of trying to learn spanish and of not really feeling at home in my flat. that's not meant to sound like complaints - usually those things don´t bother me. maybe i'm just trying to tell myself it's ok that i'm feeling ready to go home. so that when i come back i can appreciate things again.
but yeh there have been lots of good things this week:
- like baking christmas cookies in my second-home (the flat where i stayed in the beginning and now spend at least one night a week) with the christmas tree and christmas lights and christmas carols playing
- having friends that will listen to me moan and then go see 'Bee-movie' dubbed in spanish so that we don't have to think for a while
- baking cookies again (i must do this more, i forgot how much i like it! shame i don´t have an oven in my flat...)
- going for a drink with the whole 'anthropology of development' class including the professor, instead of having our last lesson of the term
- coffees in the sun (as usual!)
- two 'bring-and-share' meals; one with people from anthropology and one with people from the CU - very different crowds of people but both good nights of good food and interesting conversations...(i will talk more about these!)
sadly this week i also have to say goodbye to some good friends who are leaving Sevilla and not coming back after Christmas like me. i will really miss the girls from 'Acento' - one of the private American programmes here. i met some of them right at the beginning and continued to see them at least once a week when they'd always brighten my day. it won't be the same without them here. Also my friend Abi is going back to Germany which is sad because was only just getting to know him and will miss having someone to be rude to :o) but hey, more places to stay in my future world tours...! It´s weird for once not being the one who is leaving, but the one being left. it's made me realise i'm not ready to go yet though, which is good.
tomorrow my twin sister and a friend who is pretty much my fourth sister are coming to visit which will be so great! my first proper visitors! can´t wait to chill with them and enjoy this beautiful place together.
OK there is lots more i´ve been thinking about this week but i think they need to go in separate posts, which i will do my best to write today or tomorrow...