decisions and loneliness

I told my housemates today that i´m moving out this month.

Which leaves me to find another flat, and also to decide whether I´ll stay in Sevilla or not.

Big decisions! And it feels quite overwhelming. I know i could have made things easier for myself. But i think I´d regret not taking the risk...

So here i am, feeling quite small, not ´feeling´Sevilla so much, but thinking that might change once i get settle again, feeling lonely quite a lot, which frustrates me because it makes me feel really pathetic. like i should be able to cope spending several hours by myself... (not even a whole day!) knowing that i DO have friends ... not SO many in this city, but some. I am not as 'tough' as i thought. I am not enough by myself. I guess i just need to accept it!

Quite a few friends i´ve talked to over the last few weeks seem to be in a similar position... of having no major problems, nothing perceptibly 'wrong' with their life... yet feeling like life is more of a struggle than ever before, almost that since things are going OK our brains have to make up some problems to balance it out... and those 'head' problems are the worst because you can´t get away from them. We get so frustrated, over-thinking yet not knowing how to switch the thoughts off. And it feels like you just get more and more entangled in fragments of dreams and memories and plans and ideas and feelings and they all contradict each other and change constantly and we are left wondering what the truth is. And if the things we are struggling with really even exist or whether our insecurities are clouding our view.... and we don´t want to admit it but are slightly worried that we are going crazy...

oh to step out of my skin and leave my thoughts behind... and then i´m not sure what i´d do or where i´d go but it would involve flying of some sort... and sky and big spaces but big spaces where you didn´t feel lost and you didn´t feel scared.

hmm i´m not even sure that made sense. and i don´t mean to sound really depressed. but just trying to express it. i don´t know why. but here i am...

Have exams this month and no internet so won´t be writing so much. but when they´re done want to write a little less self-focussed! we´ll see how that one goes....