Wednesday 23 July 2014

Is honesty the best policy?

I've been aiming to write this blog post for about two weeks. But this week, and last week, has been crazy busy. I'm not complaining though. I was preparing for a poetry performance for Sunday mainly (I even managed to write two new poems for it - rather proud of myself!), and going to other Penzance Literature Festival events, and babysitting, and work was quite full on, and it was hubby's birthday yesterday and by the by I spent Saturday night walking across Dartmoor!! So lots of good stuff and I'm not sad I haven't been able to spend evenings in front of a lap top catching up on editing photos and pondering on here.

What I've been wanting to articulate relates to a poem I posted on soundcloud last week called "Picture perfect" which is about how we present ourselves, and the pressure to hide all the ugly messy bits.  And I realise, because I like pretty photos, and because I live in a beautiful place, and because I do get to do fun things, and I have some beautiful friends, that my blog/facebook/twitter/instagram may seem hypocritical in the light of that poem.

It's not my intention.

When I'm down, or lonely, or epilating my legs, I don't generally tell a load of people - and if I do it'll be afterwards.  I guess I don't want people to think of me as the sad/lonely/hairy one, even if that is fairly often the case!  At the same time I don't want people to think I'm happy all the time or living on the beach or floating around with flowers all day. Because that's not true either, or maybe sometimes both are true at once.

Like how last week we went to a beach on The Lizard with some friends who bought us a tasty takeaway curry. We sat in the evening sun and watched the waves and it was GOOD. But at the same time I was feeling totally detached and not myself in a depression-type-way I haven't for aaages.  I think it was a mixture of changes in medication and being overwhelmed by some stuff that friends are going through plus who-knows-what. It took all evening to settle and enjoy the moment.  Then we went to Studio Bar, and I joined hubby and brother-in-law on stage to sing a couple of songs which I managed to get a bit wrong. It was no big deal but I left in tears and went home alone to cry some more. That was just one evening, that I could post photos of and make sound brilliant. And it was, and I'm grateful for all of it, but at the same time, I was a little bit in pieces.

In writing this I realise once again that perhaps the main issue is second-guessing and then worrying about what people think of me and how I come across, etc. I'm still learning BIG TIME to try and get over that, and I'm realising it may be a life long journey.  Doh. Hopefully by the time I'm an old lady I really won't care what people think and I won't get offended and cry half so as easily as I do now!!

ANYHOW, I guess this is what I mean about being more honest and open—painting the whole picture and not just parts of it.  I'm still working out what that actually looks like, and wondering where and when and how we (I) actually do that—because there are definitely some occasions when it's better to just keep quiet or at least wait for a better time and place to 'reveal all'.

What is 'over-sharing'?
What is inappropriate?
What is too much?

I guess we'd all come down somewhere different on the answers to those questions.  Recently I've even thought about starting an anonymous blog just so i could be REALLY honest, and talk about things that people might get offended or embarrassed by (like sex and bodies and church and war, amongst other things!)  But then if it's anonymous does that kind of defeat the point?

Many thoughts, many questions.

So perhaps this post is a bit of a warning, that I'm attempting to be more real and more open here as well as in the rest of life.

Interspersed by pretty photos... because they bring me joy, and, because life is beauty and mess.

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