Saturday ponderations

Today i woke up with 'Miss American Pie' in my head. Why? Not that it's a bad song to have in your head.

I especially like the bit

and i know that you're in love with him
for I saw you dancing in the gym
you both kicked off your shoes
and i dig those rhythmy blues...

i love old Don's lyrics, they're so much more interesting than a lot of songs on the radio 'these days'. (haha i sound old!) i feel like it's full of suggestions of all these other stories going on, which we can only guess at and wish we knew a little more. I also wish i knew how to spell rhythm/rythm/rhthym.

TODAY, also, i watched three episodes of Wife Swap USA. it is mental, but fascinating, and addictive! i barely ever watch TV so this definitely felt like a bit of a binge. and i felt guilty, slightly. I know it's good to rest, and i am grateful for a day with no set plans, but it also makes me feel a bit like i've thrown some hours away. i told myself i was picking up tips on marriage and child-raising for future reference. whatever katrina.

TODAY, it rained. I don't want to be yet another person who complains about the weather, and it's made me realise how little it has rained recently, but it really does make me feel YUK. It makes me want to run away from this grey island. I walked over the golf course and it made me think of period dramas when the girl walks over the wild moors and its all desolate and dramatic (except i wasn't in a beautiful dress but too-big wellies and an anorak that belonged to my great aunt) and some people like this bleakness but i'd much rather it was summer all the time.

TODAY, maybe partly because of the rain, I was in one of my RESTLESS moods that creep up on me now and then and i've never figured out quite why or what to do about them. It sits mainly in my stomach and makes me clench my fists. They make me want to shout, scream, punch something, throw paint at a wall, hit a drum loudly, escape to somewhere other than here but not sure where...

TODAY, I also feel nostalgic. But for weird things, like dancing in the living room with friends to RnB, perfecting our hip movements. And for passing notes. Kind of secondary school things. Hmm... and things connected with Zambia like the flower that you only smell at night, and being able to see lots of stars. Maybe it's also to do with wanting to escape, this focus on the past, and also thoughts on the future and what it holds. When the best i can do is actually be here being myself, giving what i can, being thankful for what i have, right now, TODAY.

So.... TODAY, also, I enjoyed being held by a boy i love, and had a cup of tea with my cousin who makes the best cups of tea, and made fairy cakes with my friend who's more like my sister, and spoke to an actual sister on the phone and she is happy, and i wore my new hat, and it's my Dad's birthday, and he is the reason i ever knew the lyrics to 'Bye bye Miss American Pie' in the first place.