goodbaddeathlife

the weekend was intense. when i tried to write about it before i couldn´t put sentences together or make it make sense.maybe because it didn´t. but then did anyone ever promise that life would? or death?

DEATH is the taste this weekend has left in my mouth. darkness hanging around the edges of a time when there was a lot of good too. maybe i´ll start with that.

GOOD was telling someone something i´d wanted to say for a long time
GOOD was dozing in the sunshine in a beautiful park
sitting on a floating bar on the river drinking icy cokes
hearing from friends
presents and laughing and dancing
GOOD was answered prayers about the housewarming party on friday night - for energy and good atmosphere and connversation.

then, there was BOTH : goodandbad : it often tends to be a mixture... i know its never clearcut!

like bad was being ill but good was having someone there to look after me
bad was missing out on beaches but good was talking and resting and learning
bad was crying and feeling small and overwhelmed; good was listening and being listened to, and praying and clinging with all my strength to the Rock.

but then there was that which only seems bad at this point in time. bad and sad and angry and dark and death...

is merciless killing in the favelas of rio de janeiro for money drugs power NOTHING

is slaughter of thousands in Uganda because of one man´s fear and insecurity.

and yes they were films that i watched but still speaking about reality.

and then a phone call halfway through one of them brought it all home. a school friend ending his life. suddenly. aged 20. leaving parents,brother, baby son, a church, friends all over the world.

life is so fragile. a fleeting moment. yet we pretend to ourselves that we are unshakeable. with our anti'wrinkle creams and fitness instructors and death kept underwraps in sanitised hospital siderooms.

if death was more of a reality to me, if mere survival was viewed as an achievement, would i live the same way i live now? would i fill my days with such trivial things? pointless worrying and purchasing and pondering and worrying some more.wasting precious minutes. because we can be no more sure than someone living in a war zone that today will not be our last on this earth. i don´t want to sound morbid. or maybe i don´t care if i do because maybe its more real than a lot of things i say and do. and i know there is more than just the here and now. i know this. but i guess this weekend that´s not how i felt. i felt alone, left to try to work out how to best spend this breath of life on a planet groaning at what it´s inhabitants are doing to it and each other.

i feel i need to fight to make this time worth something. only there seem to be so many battles. and i don´t know where or how to begin. and i´m scared that´s an excuse to do nothing at all.