Saturday 15 October 2016

One week in: Expectation vs Reality

So a week in and life hasn't exactly looked like how I imagined.

What I expected/hoped for:

Me, becoming all-of-a-sudden highly disciplined and self-motivated: waking up early every day, writing for a couple of hours, maybe going to a walk or run by the sea, meeting up with someone for coffee, and cracking through that big pile of life admin. Cutting right back on watching TV and using social media. Eating well. Feeling rested and energised and READY to become a world famous writer and photographer.


Me, fighting colds and coughs in several strains that don't seem to go away, blowing my nose through numerous toilet rolls because I keep finishing up the tissues and the washing machine has broken so can't wash the handkerchiefs (yes, I use hankies, they make my oft-wiped nose happier) and generally feeling quite sorry for myself. Getting up late and going to bed early, except when I keep myself up watching Hunted/National Treasure/New Girl/The Apprentice/Gilmore Girls...

Crying when the internet connection is bad and I can't talk to hubby in New Zealand properly, crying in Argos when a friend calls me to see how I'm doing after I've spent a couple of hours walking round Brighton feeling disorientated by the memories on every corner and wondering what on earth our life is going to look like and how we begin, crying when I return home exhausted just after that two hour (slow) wander. Eating all the chocolate I can find in the house. Spending way too long trying to decide what colour to dye my hair next whilst trying to get my head around much bigger decisions about where to live and what jobs to apply for.

SO YEH. Maybe my expectations were a little high...

Maybe my body needs more than a couple of days to recover from a fair bit of stress in the past few months.

Maybe I need to stop measuring myself and my life by what I achieve. I think that one might take longer to unlearn.

Maybe I need to keep focused on the good. Stay thankful. Because of course there's been 'sunshiney' moments. Through a snotty haze I've caught up with brilliant friends I haven't seen for ages. I'm living with family who love me and hug me when I cry. I have more family who call me to see how I'm getting on. I went to a pub quiz down the road - which isn't really my thing and we were all sick BUT how amazing to have a group of friends to go to a pub quiz with just 10 minutes walk away! I have booked in some flat viewings, sorted through neglected email inboxes, started a job application, done some stuff. Mr Q made it to NZ safely and he's getting quality time with his family.

In short, this is just life, right? This is all weeks, really. Just because I'm in a new place doesn't change that. Like I said last time, it's not all either/or. It's messy, unexpected, interrupted (like how when I was about to publish this post I somehow deleted it and couldn't get it back). So am I, so are other people. And it's beautiful and kind and constantly offering up opportunities to learn and to grow. So are we. So here's to having a little more grace for ourselves, for other people, and for whatever life is throwing at us right now.

A bit of beauty for ya.

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