Have I failed?
It's a question I've asked myself a lot in the past few years. These past three and a half years since University ended and 'the real world' began.
Before University, I was usually top of the class. I mainly got A's. I never failed an exam or test. At school I was told I could do anything I wanted. In church I was told I was a leader. I considered medicine, politics, working for the EU of the UN. Whatever it was, I was going to change the world. I was going to rescue street children in Brazil, and save the rainforest, and change unjust legislation so that stupid debts could be cancelled, and fight against human trafficking, and encourage development without domination.
At University, I got a bit overwhelmed. Everyone could have probably have made the exact same claims I just did. And more. And they seemed to know where they were headed with a lot more precision and confidence than I did. And for the first time I wasn't top of the class and I often felt stupid. I didn't understand most of what I read. I got confused by the mixture of ideology, cynicism, activism, drugs and anti-anything-relating-to-God that infused the seminar rooms and societies of Sussex. I lost some of my voice and my passion, because I compared myself too much to others. I didn't make the most of opportunities that came my way. And by the end of it I wanted nothing more to do with the academic world that seemed to me to be so narrow and exclusive and limited. (Although, having said that, I did eventually, in the fourth year, find my flow a bit more when it came to studying and enjoyed learning and writing and was pleased with my final results).
So I decided I wouldn't dive straight in with the whole 'proper grown up job thing'. I wanted to meet real people, of different ages and social backgrounds and economic statuses. Because really my life and everyone around me had always been very middle-class. And I figured there was a whole lot more to learn outside of libraries and journals. So I took a gap year in Brighton and volunteered at various charities and focused on developing my faith and character. All good. THEN the plan was to get a job, move in with friends, perhaps move to London or abroad and kick off my career - whatever that was going to be.
BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED
We were told, 'work hard at school, go to University, and you'll have a much better chance at getting a good job with a higher salary'. A degree opens doors, we were told.
Every job that I have done in the past three and a half years has not required a degree (except for a brief stint of English teaching, which was highly stressful and nigh-impossible to get work in the UK out of summer months). In fact I now often remove my degree from my CV to increase the chances of getting a job, any job at all. That's what it's come down to - any job that I can get. And I know I'm not alone in having lost count at the number of rejections I've received from job applications. I was even refused Job Seeker's Allowance, because I hadn't earned enough previously. The majority of my jobs have paid me minimum wage and I haven't come close to starting to pay off my student loan. The only reason I've been able to stay in Brighton with a roof over my head is due to the kindness of friends who let me live with them for a year for next to nothing, and later on due to generosity of people in our church when Llewellyn and I got married. This year is the first time I've been able to work full-time hours and even been able to save a little some months, by working two or three jobs simultaneously.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS EXPECTING
And I know I'm not the only one. By a long way. Yes the economy. Yes the crisis. Yes, we know. But I can't help begrudging those who gave us such high hopes in the first place. Was it really like that, back then? How have things changed so much, so quickly. No wonder my generation is feeling a little lost, a little (or a lot) let-down, a little lacking in identity and motivation. Well, I speak for myself, anyhow. The majority of my friends are re-training as teachers and nurses so that at least they have 'something'. A few of us are holding out, hoping that we won't just have to do 'something' for the sake of job security. But perhaps we are just spoiled. (Dis) illusion-ed. We have been given too much choice, and that is difficult to give back.
Forgive me if this sounds depressing. But let's be honest. It is. I'm sure my depression this year was in part due to the fact I didn't feel I had anything to look forward to, that I was running out of hope for the future, and stagnating, and definitely not changing the world as I had planned. And now I'm 26 and even thought it's silly it feels like I'm running out of time. I often wonder if I've disappointed my family (a family full of people with 'proper jobs'!), the teachers that believed in me, myself, God?? To be honest I know dwelling on that won't get me anywhere, so at the moment I generally manage not to think about it - although my dreams are full of me messing things up and being late and being exposed and frustrated, so perhaps those feelings are lurking under the surface. Anyways...
I've got more to say on this, because there is definitely another way of looking at the past few years. But today I guess I just want to give voice to the frustrations that I know a lot of us mid-twenty-somethings are experiencing.
It's a question I've asked myself a lot in the past few years. These past three and a half years since University ended and 'the real world' began.
Before University, I was usually top of the class. I mainly got A's. I never failed an exam or test. At school I was told I could do anything I wanted. In church I was told I was a leader. I considered medicine, politics, working for the EU of the UN. Whatever it was, I was going to change the world. I was going to rescue street children in Brazil, and save the rainforest, and change unjust legislation so that stupid debts could be cancelled, and fight against human trafficking, and encourage development without domination.
At University, I got a bit overwhelmed. Everyone could have probably have made the exact same claims I just did. And more. And they seemed to know where they were headed with a lot more precision and confidence than I did. And for the first time I wasn't top of the class and I often felt stupid. I didn't understand most of what I read. I got confused by the mixture of ideology, cynicism, activism, drugs and anti-anything-relating-to-God that infused the seminar rooms and societies of Sussex. I lost some of my voice and my passion, because I compared myself too much to others. I didn't make the most of opportunities that came my way. And by the end of it I wanted nothing more to do with the academic world that seemed to me to be so narrow and exclusive and limited. (Although, having said that, I did eventually, in the fourth year, find my flow a bit more when it came to studying and enjoyed learning and writing and was pleased with my final results).
So I decided I wouldn't dive straight in with the whole 'proper grown up job thing'. I wanted to meet real people, of different ages and social backgrounds and economic statuses. Because really my life and everyone around me had always been very middle-class. And I figured there was a whole lot more to learn outside of libraries and journals. So I took a gap year in Brighton and volunteered at various charities and focused on developing my faith and character. All good. THEN the plan was to get a job, move in with friends, perhaps move to London or abroad and kick off my career - whatever that was going to be.
BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED
We were told, 'work hard at school, go to University, and you'll have a much better chance at getting a good job with a higher salary'. A degree opens doors, we were told.
Every job that I have done in the past three and a half years has not required a degree (except for a brief stint of English teaching, which was highly stressful and nigh-impossible to get work in the UK out of summer months). In fact I now often remove my degree from my CV to increase the chances of getting a job, any job at all. That's what it's come down to - any job that I can get. And I know I'm not alone in having lost count at the number of rejections I've received from job applications. I was even refused Job Seeker's Allowance, because I hadn't earned enough previously. The majority of my jobs have paid me minimum wage and I haven't come close to starting to pay off my student loan. The only reason I've been able to stay in Brighton with a roof over my head is due to the kindness of friends who let me live with them for a year for next to nothing, and later on due to generosity of people in our church when Llewellyn and I got married. This year is the first time I've been able to work full-time hours and even been able to save a little some months, by working two or three jobs simultaneously.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS EXPECTING
And I know I'm not the only one. By a long way. Yes the economy. Yes the crisis. Yes, we know. But I can't help begrudging those who gave us such high hopes in the first place. Was it really like that, back then? How have things changed so much, so quickly. No wonder my generation is feeling a little lost, a little (or a lot) let-down, a little lacking in identity and motivation. Well, I speak for myself, anyhow. The majority of my friends are re-training as teachers and nurses so that at least they have 'something'. A few of us are holding out, hoping that we won't just have to do 'something' for the sake of job security. But perhaps we are just spoiled. (Dis) illusion-ed. We have been given too much choice, and that is difficult to give back.
Forgive me if this sounds depressing. But let's be honest. It is. I'm sure my depression this year was in part due to the fact I didn't feel I had anything to look forward to, that I was running out of hope for the future, and stagnating, and definitely not changing the world as I had planned. And now I'm 26 and even thought it's silly it feels like I'm running out of time. I often wonder if I've disappointed my family (a family full of people with 'proper jobs'!), the teachers that believed in me, myself, God?? To be honest I know dwelling on that won't get me anywhere, so at the moment I generally manage not to think about it - although my dreams are full of me messing things up and being late and being exposed and frustrated, so perhaps those feelings are lurking under the surface. Anyways...
I've got more to say on this, because there is definitely another way of looking at the past few years. But today I guess I just want to give voice to the frustrations that I know a lot of us mid-twenty-somethings are experiencing.
1 comment:
Hi Katrina
I don’t know you and you don’t know me but we both know God. God may feel distant and far off and I expect you are wondering if he even knows where you are, let alone loves you. The answer of course is yes but how do you come to know that in the midst of circumstances that seem so opposite to the faith filled life, full of promise that was what you expected in your teenage years.
I worked with teenagers a lot when you must have been a teenager and we always said the same things to our teenagers as was said to you. We wanted to encourage you and give you a hope and a future. We all wanted you to know that there was more to life than drugs, partying and even working hard, getting a degree and a ‘good’ job though these things are really important. We wanted you all to know that God has great plans for your life and even if they have not materialised yet – does not mean they were not true.
You are in the midst of the maturing process that every Christian goes through to add character to promise so that God’s plans and purposes can come to pass. We all have circumstances that are really difficult and I am not in any way denigrating yours – they are tough – but we have a big God who has not changed. Everything around us may change but not God. He is as reliable, dependable, faithful, loving, accepting, approving of you as he was in the years of teenage excitement.
The plan is to find him, cling to him, trust him in the midst of the circumstances. He alone can sustain you and give you the hope you so desperately need. I was once told that the things we put our trust in – good academic results, friendships, marriage, career and so on are like a ladder that we place against a wall. At some time, most of these will let us down and our ladder will collapse. We must place our trust in God and God alone – he never lets us down.
I know from my own experience that as I have found God in the midst of difficult circumstances, I have been sustained and strengthened by him and he has NEVER disappointed me. You have not let God down or disappointed him. He loves you so much.
Our hope is not a good job, career, ministry and so on but in God and God alone. He is utterly, utterly reliable and may I suggest you declare the truth of who God is and who you are as his chosen child, bought by the blood of Jesus and let him draw your eyes away from depressing circumstances to his hope-filled eyes which are just as full of promise as when you were younger.
You may be part of a hopeless generation but you are not hopeless – you can be full of hope. You may not be changing the world in the way you expected but you can change your world in unbelievable ways as you reach out to God and let him use you.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me – so if I do not understand, please forgive me.
Christine Ottaway
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