Sunday 4 December 2011


Just when you think you're getting the hang of this 'being yourself' thing, this 'loving yourself' thing, this 'accepting and even kinda enjoying your own weird ways' thing, this 'being a bit more mature and able to handle yourself in social situations thing'...

It could have been the rarely-worn too-high-heels in an attempt to add some glamour to my shabby Brighton 'look'

It could have been the leaving-the-house-in-a-rush-thing that I cannot seem to avoid (made even worse by the heels)

It could have been the nasty voice that whispers in my ear encouraging me to compare myself with those around me - and come up short

It could have been the end of a full-on-non-stop week colliding with those mystical hormones

...Out of the blue you revert to awkward-full-of-insecurity-teenage self for no good reason (like someone asking me 'what i DO' - I HATE THAT QUESTION!, and someone confusing me with my twin sister...NO ONE'S DONE THAT SINCE WE WERE ABOUT 12!) and suddenly I'm 11, left out of the popular group at school, wishing I were somebody else, digging nails into hands wanting the ground to swallow me whole, becoming all 'prickly', displaying this whole range of emotion on my face for all to see... fully knowing I am being ridiculous, and embarrassing myself and my friends.

And I'm fully aware even my description is over-dramatic, and after having cried most of the looong train journey home, AND most of this morning(!) I reckon my fourth explanation of tiredness and hormones are most probably to blame. But, the whole thing still took me by surprise, because I've not felt like that in a while, and I'm kinda gutted because I thought maybe by now I'd be over the awkwardness of pre/during/post adolescent years. But can't dwell on it, this I know. Again and again am being reminded how very human we are, and that we're all learning, all the time, no matter how 'sorted' we may believe ourselves to be.

And Thank God I have a God who loves me despite all this. (And a husband who married me because I'm weird, and doesn't run away when I cry all over him!!)

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