Friday, 19 February 2010

thoughts that don't make it to facebook statuses

i'm not sure where those days come from. you know the grey ones. the grey even though it's sunny and you feel cold even in that sun and then you realise you feel cold right to the insides of your very bones, and all you want to do is curl up tight into a ball in a comfy corner only there are no comfy corners here just grey pavements that throb with your heavy feet that drag as thought they were made like lead which is how your heart feels, heavy like it's sinking to your toes but those feet have to keep on walking even though you can't even remember why you're going where you're going and even the pavement looks like an attractive place to lie down and curl up and hope nobody sees except the one person you'd like to find you who will hold you tight tight tight through the whole night until morning comes and not get bored of your melancholy company and meanwhile you cry silently at the back of a bus wishing it were summer so you could wear sunglasses to hide your puffy eyes but it's not summer it's winter a winter that seems it will never end, winter in every sense of the world only you're scared that even when spring comes in the trees and in the air that you will still be stuck in this season that makes hope less visible and dreams fade and life has become something to survive, not really live and this is what really gets to you that life is too short for this nonsense, for listening to the lies that fill your mind and make you want to disappear and jump out of this crazy head of yours and take a break from being you the you who is scared she might be going insane and yet you can't seem to turn the volume down and even though you know seasons do change because they have to, they always do, you wonder when and how and please please now and you think maybe it's just that time of the month or maybe you're just tired and maybe this is just how life goes but to be honest all of these maybes don't really help because they don't fix it, don't fix you.

i sometimes feel like this. just trying to be real... i've still not worked out solutions. except for trying to cling onto truth, which we sometimes need someone/something else to show us. i really like the lyrics of this song 'Come Awake' by David Crowder Band:

Are we left here on our own?
Can you feel when your last breath is gone?
Night is waiting heavy now
Be quiet and wait for a voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

You are not the only one
Who feels like the only one
Night soon will be lifted friend
Just be quiet and wait for the voice that will say

Come awake
From sleep, arise
You were dead
You’ve come alive
Wake up wake up
Open your eyes
Climb from your grave
Into the light
Bring us back to life

Rise, rise, rise, rise, rise
Rise, rise, rise, rise….
Shine, shine, Oh shine
We will shine
We will rise
We will shine, shine, shine

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