inadequate?

nothing like university and language barriers for making one feel inadequate! I just had lunch with a German friend from my anthropology class and a 'Sevillano' that i met in one of the first weeks of uni. I am getting tired of defining friends by nationality - because it seems to box them in and strip them of their individuality. i am becoming more and more aware of the divisions created by the notion of nationality while living here. maybe thats a topic for another day. We ate 'platos combinadas' - meat (in my case swordfish!), with chips, a green pepper and a fried egg. all greasy and tasty!
they are both really great people and really interesting and good company. so i hate it that i came away feeling more frustrated than anything because i'd ended up comparing myself to them and coming up short, rather than just enjoying their company and learning from them. It seems like everyone has a plan, a skill, and knows so much more than me about politics, history, philosophy, etc. I sat there wishing i could say that i played some obscure instrument, or had a passion for one particular acitivity, or could give an informed opinion on nationalism, the European Union or a particular political movement. And i barely spoke because of feeling like my Spanish was 'inadequate'. And what's so annoying is I know this feeling has no positive affects, and that it is based on measurements that deep down i know are not important. That all it does is hold me back from being truely myself.
Like even though i feel stupid in discussions - in and out of class - because i have not heard of this philospoher, and i do not know that theory, the truth is i'm not that bothered about knowing. it would purely be to show off and to appear a more 'well-rounded' and interesting person. And i cannot say i support a particular school of thought in terms of power and politics, because the truth is i am interested in a higher power, a leader that is GOOD and who, contrary to the world's expectations, became like the lowest of the low - washed his followers feet and gave up everything for the sake of love.

i may appear biased but i shape my life around something/someone that i believe to be true, something i believe that will last longer than just a few years. and this is more important to me than anything else. i wanted to say this today. but i don't know how to express it properly in english let alone in spanish. so i just stayed silent. silent about the biggest part of who i am and what i do and my reason for being.

and as for future plans, i really respect the dreams and ambitions of so many of my friends, who are working hard to get to positions of influence and wanting to make the world a better place. i envy their driven-ness and creative ideas. and i hate saying that 'i don't know'. i don't know what where when how. i know i want to make a difference, a good difference, i know i want to speak up for the oppressed and fight against injustice. but right now i feel really small. and all i can do is today.