I started writing this while at my sister's house, helping her out with her new baby as her husband returns to work. It seemed fitting. It's a post I've been meaning to write for a while, and may well echo many others out there, but I don't think you can talk about being 30 without covering this topic.
When people realise I'm not 19, and have actually been married for five years, they jump from thinking I'm a child to asking if I'm going to have any. When I tell people I'm a new auntie, several have responded by asking me about my family plans. As I mentioned before, any time I tell people I have news, their eyes immediately widen and look at my belly questioningly.
What I'm getting at is that at this age there's a whole lot of assumption going around over what women should be doing with their ovaries. And there's a whole lot of thoughtless question-asking (as well-meaning as it may be intended). Because at thirty, all manner of things could be going on.
This year the largest number of friends so far in my life have given birth or are pregnant. Some of them unexpectedly, some after years of trying – and all variations in between. Friends have one, two, three, four children. But I also have friends who've had miscarriages, friends undergoing fertility treatment, friends who've had abortions, friends who are single after long relationships or have recently come out and wondering what that means for their hopes to have a family.
AND I have friends who definitely or probably don't ever want to have kids. For many different reasons.
Yes – all manner of things could be going on, and most of the time we don't know even the half of it, so I just think we need to be a bit (or a lot!) more sensitive before diving in with the kid questions, jokes and comments. We don't know who's heart is breaking, who's feeling the pressure, who's terrified. And I for one don't want to add to that. I don't mean that we should sweep any of this under the carpet – and some of these issues definitely need to be talked about more – but there's ways of allowing that to happen that empowers women and doesn't demean them.
Personally I don't mind if good friends ask what we're thinking – as long as there's no assumptions or opinions laced in – but that's probably because I've not experienced any loss. If we had been trying to have children since we'd gotten married, then I imagine I'd dread the question.
As it is, my current answer is that "I /we don't know". Which is true. I can see valid reasons for both choosing to have children and choosing not to. I'm not going to try and sum them all up. We're pretty privileged that it is even a choice at all! Throughout history and still in many cultures this whole discussion has been irrelevant. I'm not in a rush to decide and I'd like to feel a lot more strongly either way before we 'do anything' because there's one thing I do know, and that's that it's a big deal. A huge, life-changing responsibility, and not one to take lightly!
So for now please just let me enjoy the amazing privilege of being an aunty! And also a god-mother to a funny, crazy, beauty. And an honorary "Aunty Kat" to many friends' little ones. I like visiting them, playing with them, having babies fall asleep on my chest. I'm quite good at it, if I do say so myself. I have so much respect for my mother-friends and am learning lots from watching their patience and grace and strength and honesty.
I'm also very glad that I get full nights of sleep, that I don't have the direct responsibility of raising new lives in this very uncertain world and that I can easily go away for a few days or go out and have fun in the evenings. I'm perhaps selfishly glad to have plenty of friends who can join me, friends that I can have uninterrupted conversations with! I learn a whole lot from those friends too. There isn't a hierarchy, just difference.
So I am overjoyed for my sister, full of love for this tiny scrap of mystery and miracle. I can't wait to get to know her, watch her grow, see who she becomes. I can change nappies and have cuddles and examine her tiny fingers without needing to call hubby up to immediately make one of our own! ;-)
1 comment:
I'd wondered if you were getting that a lot, what with your twin sister having just had a baby! I'll never know what it's like to be 30 without kids, obviously, but I can imagine it's uncomfortable being asked all the time. Also, is it a question men of that age get? I doubt they get it as much if they do, anyway. For what it's worth, I envy your freedom though I was never that good at nights out even before kids. You guys work out what's right for you. No hierarchy here either.
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