standing on the edge

Houseboats

2012-01-30T22:13:00.002Z

ON Sunday we went for a walk with some friends around Shoreham, which is just along the coast from Brighton. Toward the end we passed a row of houseboats, which I've seen before but it was awesome seeing them again. They're totally fascinating, especially the ones in the photos - which have been made up of all sorts of different things, like bits of a bus and a washing machine! I guess the people who live in them must get annoyed with people like us gazing through their windows, but then again if u live in a place like that... :-) anyways I'm well up for living in a houseboat, even if it got leaky in winter, which I'm sure it would. Or maybe in a hotter country...

Positive

2012-01-21T17:46:00.004Z

I'm aware that my blog seems to have a bit of a depressed air about it currently. granted, I have not been the most cheery of people in recent weeks, and I really really don't like winter all that much, and I have been frustrated/bored/restless/wondering-about-the-meaning-of-life-a-lot... BUT there is still plenty to be thankful for and I reckon it's good to dwell on those things too. I was also kind of challenged when reading other people's blogs, and although I'm unlikely to undergo a sudden character change and adapt an 'isn't everything wonderful and let's put flowers on my background' attitude (nothing against those people - the world definitely needs you!), I know I can make more of an effort to 'rise above' some of the things that drag me down (or, as Mr Q helpfully tells me: "OK, now stop being grumpy!").

SO, here are a few things from the past few weeks that made me happy to be alive:

1. New babies!! My good friends John and Fritha have just had a little girl and I met her this week at just 11 days old. She was tiny!! I forgot how small newborns are. And VERY cute. I know some people find babies kind of annoying or boring but I actually think they're amazing, and am quite happy to stare adoringly at them for a long time (slightly awkward when friend is breast-feeding and I am still gazing, soppy eyed?!). They are slightly shell-shocked and recovering from quite a difficult birth, but they are all alive and well and about that I am GLAD. It's exciting to think about this fresh new life, with so many unwritten pages, and to see who she will become. woop.

2. New games!! Last weekend I learnt how to play Poker, and last night I learnt how to play Settlers of Catan. I'd been wanting to learn both for a while, but at the same time, after a childhood of board games being forced upon me every day by my twin sister, they don't usually feature in my plans, or idea of a fun night in. However, I really enjoyed learning both, and am well up for playing more. It's a lot more stimulating than watching TV or another film, and a good way to spend time with people (especially if conversation isn't guaranteed to flow!). Poker had me laughing loads, staying out later than I had done in ages, and generally being encouraged that I haven't lost all of my social skills. Hooray.

3. New diet!! For a number of reasons Mr Q and I aren't eating meat at the moment. Or caffeine, or sweet things, or alcohol, or milk. Oof. Basically anything that we like to eat a lot! So it's meant we have had to venture further into the vegetable/vegetarian world. Which has been pretty good actually, and we've had some awesome meals: a whole lot of aubergine and chickpea curry (thanks to my old housemate, Becky, for that recipe!), and more vegetarian curries at 'Planet India' - a veggie restaurant in Brighton that we went to to celebrate 4 months of marriage (!) - especially good was one with sweetcorn and vine leaves in; and last night I made a scrummy meal from a recipe book with coconut, ginger, red pepper, baby sweetcorn and avocado. mmmm. We're also quite enjoying soya milk - especially with rooibos and vanilla tea. So despite some cravings for chocolate, coffee, and a beer, it's actually been pretty good and i think we're feeling better for it.

So there we go, there's plenty to celebrate. Hope that's got you feeling happier too :-)

Desperate?

2012-01-17T10:57:00.003Z

This I wrote at that New Year's Day service, but on my phone so i forgot about it:

Are we not desperate here?
This is all very nice... but I don’t think that’s enough anymore.
Give me symbols and drums and heart wrenching cries
Because we are desperate for you and if you don’t come...
Then really, we’re lost
Without you we’re going nowhere
Without you, life is meaningless
Oh come like the evening rain that softens the earth
Come like the dawn, chasing nightmares away
Come like a lover’s kiss – starting the day with the knowledge that we are wanted
Come like the morning sun that warms the cold concrete
Shines colour into grey corners
Come like the birdsong, singing a tune that drowns out lies that fill our mind
Come like a mother’s touch that reassures anxious bones.
Come like an earthquake, shaking foundations
Come like a mighty river that washes clean polluted souls

I want to see change
I want to go deeper
I want things to move
I cannot settle for shallow, for nice, for soft, for easy
O let me be kind, and let me be gentle
But let me not compromise
Let me not bend to pleasing others over pleasing God
Let me fear only the one who holds life in his hands
Let Jesus be big... in all His glory
And
Let me not hide
Let me not be silent

4 months!

2012-01-17T10:27:00.002Z

Today we've been married for 4 months! I'm sure after a year we will stop counting the months, but for now it's kind of fun, and makes you realise how fast, and slow, time goes. And it's been really great so far. Lots of people warned us about how hard the first year of marriage is... but while we're working hard at it, we're also loving it! We're learning about each other's quirks, insecurities and habits and always learning about how to communicate better, and sooner. It's encouraging to look back over the past few years and see how much things have changed in our relationship. I'm glad we didn't get married any sooner than we did - and that we worked through quite a bit before we said 'I do', but I'm also glad that, even though we're still young, we didn't wait any longer either. And I'm excited about the adventures together to come.

hold

2012-01-11T18:02:00.002Z

lung shiver
hip moan
shoulder drop
draw
awkward knees
into close embrace
attempts to create
warmth
in the hollow of me
in the
holed out
souled out
hollow of me

who scooped out my insides?
where do they rest
is that my heart beating
in another room?

i'm cold

please hold
me
please hold
me
please fill the holes
and hold
me
make me
whole
hold
me
hold
me

please
hold................................................................................

Dedication

2012-01-09T21:24:00.003Z

Our masterpieces, created for our friend Adele's little girl (read all about her story HERE...). I went down to Bristol this weekend for Talitha's dedication, which is when her parents publicly thank God for their daughter, acknowledging that she is a GIFT from Him, and therefore almost placing her back in His care as it were. Or something like that... funny how something that's so normal to me is pretty hard to describe. Hmm actually a lot of things are like that!!

Anyways had a lovely time catching up with old uni friends and enjoying observing and cuddling a beautiful 7 month old!

Yes yes friends are good for the soul :-) those ones when you don't have to think about what to say, how to be, etc, and it doesn't really matter when you last saw them, things just flow straight away. yey.

Gift Card Giver

2012-01-08T18:18:00.002Z

Just read an article about a group in the US that collects people's unused gift cards - even if they just have a tiny bit of money left on them, and then send them to charities to use. Great idea!! I wonder if anyone does this in the UK?? Their website is HERE.

church search

2012-01-04T18:25:00.004Z

On New Year's Day I wanted to go to church. Why? Because it was a Sunday, perhaps. Because I haven't been in a while, perhaps. Because it seems important to meet with God.. well at all times, but especially at the beginning of things. Yeh. And because, since we were in London, maybe I was hoping for something fresh, something new, a different perspective or way of doing things.

And this whole church search upon a Sunday eve didn't come out of guilt, I'm over that. It didn't come out of duty or tradition or religion. It didn't come from a belief that God can only be found in a service or a building. And as we weren't in Brighton amongst those we know, it wasn't for social/relational/people-y reasons either. So I guess there's still this tiny bit of me that hopes/wants to believe that 'going to Church' - regardless of where and what that is - means going to meet with God. That something about it will aid connection, will prompt me to worship, to forget the world for a moment. And I am sure that there is something about the intentionality of GOING, of stepping outside of our comfort zones, that does make space for this to happen more easily.

Thing is... once i get to a church, pretty much any church, instead of focussing on God, I get overwhelmed by so many thoughts/opinions/criticisms of how things look, how they are done, what's being said, etc etc. The church is made up of human beings, so obviously it's not going to be perfect. But it is also called the 'Body of Christ', which suggests that somehow in the midst of the brokeness and mess, there's also beauty, there's some of the many facets of God being reflected, there's hope.

And while it's not all about the building, the service, etc, this is what people first see when they 'go to church'. So how much does it matter? Sometimes I've thought it really is important. That in order to be relevant and accessible, churches need to 'get with it' and do things well, catch up with the rest of the world and serve nice coffee, have comfortable seats, atmospheric lighting, etc. And I think there is a place for this, although perhaps more in the cases of cafes/galleries/community centres/etc where people are coming to hang out and spend a lot of time.

But do our places of communal worship (in the singing/praying kind of sense) really need to be like that too? I am not so sure anymore. Why do we need coloured lights and big screens? Why do we need beanbags on the floor, cupcakes and filter coffee? To be honest, if someone walked off the street in search of God, I don't know that any of those external things would make the slightest bit of difference. To be honest I wonder if we've 'comfied' up our church buildings to stop people leaving (as all the teenagers drift into cozy numbness), rather than encouraging new people in. I doubt anyone would say, wow that sound system was so big - there must be a God!! I've spoken with friends recently who don't 'go to church' regularly and they've actually been confused and put off by the level of showiness and technology they've glimpsed in some church meetings.

We did go to church on New Years Day. And it was nice. NICE! Is that really what we're hungry for? A nice time? A nice evening spent in a nice venue with nice singing. No offence to the church - I know I am in no place to judge, and I know it was my own problem for letting superficial things distract me. But I still feel like we've got to think about these things. We were singing about walls being broken down, about wanting Jesus to come... all in soft tones to soft rock guitar with pink and purple lighting and I wanted to bang a huge symbol, I wanted to shout, scream, jump up and down. (Perhaps I should have done, perhaps I still care too much about what everyone else thinks... but perhaps I will be the crazy lady at the back of the room sooner than i thought!! haha!) . If we're really desperate for some hope in this world, desperate for things to change, desperate for lives and situations to get turned around, then shouldn't we show it?!

OK my thoughts are drifiting and I this is already long. As you can tell these are things that get me. Have done for years... and probably will for the rest of my life. Maybe that's not a bad thing. I don't want to be caught sleeping, to stop searching. But I'll stop typing for now :-)

03/01/12

2012-01-03T16:13:00.004Z

I wrote down the date for the first time this year (just before getting my lip pierced... happy christmas Katrina from husband!): 2012, finally it's here. Seems like 2012 is a big year, like lots of people have been talking about it and looking forward to it for a while... it's Olympics, it's LONDON, it's a leap year, it's a 'complete' number, etc etc... and it's following what's been quite a tumultuous year for many both here in the UK and around the globe.

On reflection, the best thing about 2011 for me has definitely been getting married, and subsequently living together and learning more about each other. I loved our wedding day and honeymoon, and so far so good when it comes to the actual marriage part. Yey. It maybe sounds a bit negative I have to say apart from that 2011 didn't feel particularly special...

Workwise it's been fairly disappointing to be honest. I've been a pre-school worker, cleaner, english teacher, carer and administrator and although none of them have been awful, I can't say I've really enjoyed any of them. I can't say I've been proud at any point to answer the dreaded question of, 'what do you do?', I can't say I've felt fulfilled or like I was doing 'what I was made to do'. But maybe that's too much to hope for?? Maybe the point about pride is key and actually I just need to get over myself? I am certainly grateful to have found employment when I've needed it and perhaps that's enough! I have a roof over my head, I am not abused/exploited/made to work all the hours of the day. I have a lunch hour. I still have energy and time to do things outside of work. Really, I'm very fortunate. (Convinced?!)

I've had a lot of these kind of conversations over the holiday with friends in similar positions: we grew up being told that if we jumped through all the right hoops, worked hard, went to a good uni, etc, then we could pretty much do what we wanted. No one predicted such a change in the economic situation, no one warned us it would be this hard, especially for those of us who weren't totally certain they wanted to be a doctor/teacher/'proper vocation'. So at 25 a lot of us are still stumbling along, doing this and that, feeling like we've let our teachers/parents/etc down but not really sure what to do about it. Can we really blame the 'crisis' or is it us who is at fault. Are we just not doing enough? I look ahead and don't particularly hopeful about things changing and yet at the same time feel that somehow they have to. I don't have answers, I don't know what to think really, except that we can't let our jobs define us or we really will give up!

On a more cheerful note, I've just remembered another highlight of 2012, and a time when, for the most part, I did feel like I was doing something I was made for, and that was the trip to India when I hung out with some awesome people from all over the country and danced with them and worshipped God with them with all my body and mind and soul. A real privilege.

It's also been a year when I've had several opportunities to write and perform and my hope is that this will continue and increase this year. (Resolution: get up earlier, and write more!)

I don't know what 2012 will bring. There's always the possibility of total surprises, which I'm kinda up for. But even if things don't change radically on the surface, as the quote in the previous post referred to, there's always potential for digging deeper into what is already in front of us, for working hard at the things we are good at to get better, for learning more about the world around us, and perhaps most importantly for investing in relationships - with the One who made us and the ones who weave in and out of our day to day lives.

wide or deep?

2011-12-28T17:48:00.003Z

"Perhaps we need to ask how we go about entering into a large life: Do we travel the world and pick up artifacts and souvenirs, bring them home and assemble a museum or workshop in which we can be in visual and sensory touch with as much as possible? Or is there another way to go about it? Does largeness come by aquisition of a lot of stuff from here or there, or by deepening into what is at hand? Dowe form a spirituality text on analogy with multinational companies who make their mark by means of buyouts and takeovers, taking control but ignoring local culture and family relationships in order to turn everything they touch into the ultimate depersonalized abstraction, money?

OR, do we take what is right before us in our own backyard and sink our lives into what is already given to us, enter into the intricacies, the endless organic relationships that make up this world and live in this world"

(Eugene Peterson, 'Eat this Book', p.43)

winter

2011-12-27T12:44:00.001Z

"I am trying to teach my mind to bear the long, slow growth of the fields,

and to sing of its passing while it waits"

(from 'The Crest' by Wendell Berry)

Christmas mishmash

2011-12-23T20:51:00.002Z

Oof, I'm sitting on the sofa, bones breathing a sigh of relief. Why is it so hard to STOP?! All week I've known that's what I want, what I need to do and yet what with one Christmas celebration and another, on top of the usual work/life business PLUS getting ready for the weekend, it's just seemed impossible. No wonder people do (kind of) stop on Christmas Day - by that time we're all totally run out of batteries and do little more than vegetate on sofas.

Christmas. It seems harder and harder to relate the craziness of the festive season here in the UK, with what it's meant to be about. I know I'm not saying anything new here... I've just found this year even harder than others to focus on Jesus at all. The One in heaven gives up all his glory and beauty to become more than ordinary, unrecognised, born into a simple life. While our decorations/gifts/celebrations seem to become more and more excessive. Excess. That is the word. When I battle my way through the frantic shoppers filling the streets of Brighton or go online, or see any TV, all I can think is that advertising companies are having a field day. We're meant to be in 'crisis' but I'm not sure that the queues in shops are any shorter. Consumerism is God. And I am as guilty as the next. Not that giving gifts is bad... and, Yes, it's great to celebrate, and yes, Scrooge did need to learn a lesson - but that was about relationship at the end of the day anyways, wasn't it? And it is great to be with family and friends... but even that can feel a little too much, or a little fake, at times.

Christmas seems to highlight the stark differences in peoples' lives. I have to say i feel overwhelmed (and thankful) at the richness of my life - the amount of cards we've received, the invites we've had, the Christmas meals and parties we've attended. For some it's the loneliest time of the year. The other day, just before going to have one of the tastiest roasts in ages with some wonderful people, I walked through the train station. I passed two little children crying hysterically, caught between their father and their mother, who was very drunk. What will Christmas be like for them? What will Christmas be like for people in the Phillipines, in Syria, in all the places around the world where peace seems so far away?

argh can you tell my head is a bit befuzzled. I don't know what direction to come at this from, and what to take away with me. I don't know how to celebrate Christmas in a way that makes it more meaningful. I don't know how to do things differently when there is so much tradition and expectation tied in with it. I don't know what to give. to Him. O God Forgive me if I've become to busy to stop, to remember, and to give my heart.

Mid-winter Morris Dancers...

2011-12-15T21:56:00.002Z

What I didn't mention in the post about the Beach Huts and the lost sheep, was the Morris Dancers that added to the evenings entertainment (probably a bit of a surprise for the evening joggers!). Well, what more could you want? Apart from the mulled wine and mini lamb burgers that were served to willing chilly observers!

Poetry...

2011-12-15T11:45:00.004Z

The last month has been pretty full of poetry. After having not really written or performed (apart from at our wedding!) since May... I have been determined to 'get back into it', and take as many opportunities as possible to practise, get better, etc. I've performed/read/shared at quite a varied array of events/nights (never quite sure of the correct terms to use!) in the past few weeks. From an open mic in the tiny basement-bit of a pub in Kemp Town with just a few people and a very random selection of performers (including a maths lecture for about half an hour... don't ask me why!!), to my first experience of Poetry Unplugged at the Poetry Cafe (33 poets, with max 5 min each - pretty full on!!), to the beach hut thing I mentioned in the previous post, to two Poetry Slams (Hammer & Tongue Brighton Final and Farrago Poetry UK slam championships).

Now I have to be honest here. At some points during these events, I've wondered what on earth I was doing there. With the greatest respect to other poets, and people who take the risk to share their thoughts and words with others, I have to admit that I often found myself counting down the minutes to when they would get off the stage. I know that's an awful thing to say, but it's true. I don't want to be critical, at the same time I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed every minute of these poetry nights. Sometimes I don't understand about 70% of what is said - and forgive me if this is down to my literary ignorance. Sometimes (often) I just don't want to hear about people's deepest darkest sexual fantasies or how much they hate life. It's pretty draining when the majority of what is said is hopeless, depressing and often anti-God and other things I do believe in. Sometimes the words used are not clever, just crude.

AND WHAT IS POETRY ANYWAYS??!!!!!

And all this leaves me feeling torn... between never wanting to attend a poetry events again, and being even more determined to share my words, which often carry a different message, one more full of hope, of love, of seeing things from a different perspective. And I don't wish to blow my own trumpet - the words I use are simple, my vocabulary is limited, I don't have a lot of knowledge on poets of the past or politics of today. I am nothing special. But I believe in someone who is the Original Word, and for that reason there are I believe I must speak. And if it's only for the reason that the 'ordinary person' in the audience will understand this poem, even if everything else has gone over their head, then perhaps it's worth it. I might be wrong, I might be boring the pants of everyone, I might come across as pretentious (PLEASE tell me if so!!!), but I feel I must at least give this thing a go.

Having said all that, there are other times when I'm totally blown away by the skill and the message and the passion of poets I see and hear. These are the ones who inspire me to write more and write better and put my heart and soul into it. These are the ones I'm so thankful are 'on the mic', the ones whose words are changing and challenging people and situations. These are the prophets the world needs to hear. The ones that make us laugh and cry and stop for a moment to ponder, to reconsider.

So I guess that's what I'm doing this for. But if it becomes about my own fame, or claiming a soapbox just to talk about me, or just another voice saying what everyone else is saying... then please stop me!

If it were me...

2011-12-15T11:36:00.003Z

Yesterday I read this out in a beach hut on Brighton seafront, accompanied by lightning flashing over the sea and cold cold wind. The hut was decorated with knitted sheep. Obviously. Ha ha! It was part of the Beach Hut Advent Calendar that's been happening for the last few years. And the theme for my friends' hut was 'The Lost Sheep', a story from the Bible about a farmer who leaves his 99 sheep to look for sheep number 100 who'd gone missing. So this... is about that:

If it were me

If it were me, I’m not sure I’d even notice that one was missing.

If it were me, would I see the one slipping out the back door, or would I be too caught up in pleasing the faces on the front row?

If it were me, would I risk leaving the gathering even if I was the reason behind it?

If it were me, would I step out of the warm light and into the cold darkness to search for a single soul?

If it were me, would I deem finding ‘that one’ worth the possibility of losing the respect of others?

And when I finally found the one that was lost, would I throw a party to beat all other parties?!

Thankfully – that story is not about me. (Unless, perhaps, I am the sheep?)

Thankfully that farmer does not comply with earthly measures of worth, nor the supposed wisdom of man.

His eye is drawn to the empty space at the table and His heart will not rest ‘til all are present.

He will wonder after the one that wanders and He will risk everything to find the one whose name everyone else forgot.

argh!

2011-12-04T15:21:00.004Z

Just when you think you're getting the hang of this 'being yourself' thing, this 'loving yourself' thing, this 'accepting and even kinda enjoying your own weird ways' thing, this 'being a bit more mature and able to handle yourself in social situations thing'...

It could have been the rarely-worn too-high-heels in an attempt to add some glamour to my shabby Brighton 'look'

It could have been the leaving-the-house-in-a-rush-thing that I cannot seem to avoid (made even worse by the heels)

It could have been the nasty voice that whispers in my ear encouraging me to compare myself with those around me - and come up short

It could have been the end of a full-on-non-stop week colliding with those mystical hormones

...Out of the blue you revert to awkward-full-of-insecurity-teenage self for no good reason (like someone asking me 'what i DO' - I HATE THAT QUESTION!, and someone confusing me with my twin sister...NO ONE'S DONE THAT SINCE WE WERE ABOUT 12!) and suddenly I'm 11, left out of the popular group at school, wishing I were somebody else, digging nails into hands wanting the ground to swallow me whole, becoming all 'prickly', displaying this whole range of emotion on my face for all to see... fully knowing I am being ridiculous, and embarrassing myself and my friends.

And I'm fully aware even my description is over-dramatic, and after having cried most of the looong train journey home, AND most of this morning(!) I reckon my fourth explanation of tiredness and hormones are most probably to blame. But, the whole thing still took me by surprise, because I've not felt like that in a while, and I'm kinda gutted because I thought maybe by now I'd be over the awkwardness of pre/during/post adolescent years. But can't dwell on it, this I know. Again and again am being reminded how very human we are, and that we're all learning, all the time, no matter how 'sorted' we may believe ourselves to be.

And Thank God I have a God who loves me despite all this. (And a husband who married me because I'm weird, and doesn't run away when I cry all over him!!)

unlock truth

2011-12-04T15:11:00.001Z

Why not?

2011-11-26T19:03:00.003Z

Why not sit on the floor

Why not write on the wall

Why not play music loud

Why not stand out from the crowd

Why not dye your hair pink

Why not get covered in ink

Why not laugh at full volume

Why not rearrange the room

Why not be like a child

Why not do something wild

Why not colour outside line

Why not let yourself shine

Why not walk barefeet

Why not dance in the street

Why not sing on the train

Why not waltz in the rain

Why not go to the party

Why not do something arty

Why not stay up all night

Why not wear something bright

Why not watch the sunrise

Why not stop telling lies

Why not dance on the table

Why not king in a stable

Why not swim in the sea

Why not invite them for tea

Why not welcome them in

Why not open the tin

Why not fill it with flowers

Why not stop counting down hours

Why not a proper hug

Why not crumbs on the rug

Why not tell them what you’re thinking

Why not save her from sinking

Why not kiss him in public

Why not deny the semantic

Why not breakfast in bed

Why not make love instead

Why not share a big smile

Why not walk the extra mile

Why not taste all the dishes

Why not pray for your wishes

Why not go somewhere new

Why not stop buying shoes

Why not climb to the top

Why not remember to stop

Why not collect shells

Why not ring out the bells

Why not stand up for truth

Why not shout it from the roof

Why not believe you can fly

Why not let yourself cry

Why not give time for grief

Why not embrace the new leaf

Why not be very still

Why not forget about the bill

Why not stand on the edge

Why not jump over the hedge

Why not wait for the dawn

Why not throw away your porn

Why not stay till the end

Why not watch her heart mend

Why not photo the clouds

Why not shrug off the shrouds

Why not lay down the worry

why not dare to say sorry

Why not leave behind pride

Why not just enjoy the ride

Paper Cups...

2011-11-24T08:01:00.001Z

... How many things can you do with them?? Check out my friend Vicky's brilliant blog for some creative inspiration!!

2011-11-22T14:45:00.002Z

"...truth is holy, and truth-telling a noble and useful profession; and the reality around us is created and worth celebrating; that men and women are radically imperfect and radically valuable".

(John Updike, More Matter, pp. 843, 851 in Eugene Peterson, Eat this Book, p.8)

(Wife) Life

2011-11-17T12:23:00.005Z

Our wedding rings are wooden, hand made by Stout Woodworks - a small American company. We love them!

Well it's two months since we tied the knot, and we've finally got internet in our flat, so thought it was about time for an update. Part of me thinks, 'what, only two months?!' - feels like we've been married for a lot longer... and another part of me still feels like we're pretending and I'll wake up from this dream. I think part of the surreal-ness is having our own place - after two years of living in other people's houses, and student housing before that - this feels like a massive treat! Although the people I've lived with have all been brilliant, I am loving living somewhere that's really my home, somewhere I'm quite content to spend Sunday afternoons in, somewhere I can have people over whenever I like, and sharing all this with MY HUSBAND!! :-)

I still can't quite believe I am a wife. I look at the ring on my finger in surprise. I wonder if people can tell as I walk down the street. Do I look different? I have to admit I find it slightly awkward telling people my new name - especially the Mrs part - mainly because I know I look and sound younger than I am, and I wait for the surprised responses. Not that I should care about what other people think, but I am aware that being married by 25 is not that common anymore, I certainly wasn't expecting it for myself. But, life is full of surprises and I am glad glad glad for this one.

Lots of people warned us that the first year of marriage is the hardest - and perhaps it will be - and although I'm not going to pretend it'll be easy all the time, I also don't want to accept that it will be defined by how difficult it is to bring two lives together. I want to keep focussed on all the good even amongst struggles, and that's for all of our lives, not just the marriage part. Easier said than done, I realise, but a good aim, no?

Like...

It's hard when little misunderstandings and different ways of doing things become big things and for a while we are silent and frustrated and feel somewhat divided. But it's GREAT when we get over ourselves, talk about it, see it from each other's point of view, hug, and get back to being united, perhaps even a little bit more than before.

And being unemployed has been hard and depressing at times, but at the same time I am really grateful for the time it gave me to do all the other life-admin bits and bobs, to have more time with Mr Q, and also to have time to recover from a crazy busy year.

Unemployment comes with money worries, which can be one of the most destructive things, but we have seen such amazing provision and have always had enough. We're learning to trust God, and each other more. We learn what things we can do without, and then feel so very grateful when we receive something unexpectedly. Like a job!! woo hoo!

And the job may not be my dream, but again, after time without work, and hearing so much on the news about unemployment, I am so thankful for those hours of cleaning, caring and administration!!

And sometimes the fact that I am still in Brighton after 6 years frustrates me, and I can't see quite why, and I am restless and impatient and longing for adventure and to be on the move. Yet, Brighton is full of countless good things that I know we'll miss when we do one day 'set sail'. So for now here's to deepening relationships, being hospitable, working hard and learning from our jobs, enjoying the sea, and getting more piercings, tattoos and crazy haircuts. haha!

SO yeh I guess a whole lot about how we go through life is about perspective, and I'm speaking as someone who is very easily swayed by circumstances, hormones, weather, well pretty much anything AND nothing! So it's a big challenge for me, but one that I'm battling with - especially as now I am doing life alongside someone I love and who loves me and the way I view things and the way i feel can have a huge impact on him and on us.

happy wedding day!

2011-10-20T15:14:00.002+01:00

WOO HOO! Did it! :-)
(dancing out the church to DJ Fresh's LOUDER)

Our photos were taken by our friend Laurence, of Glass Wedding Photography. We're more than happy with the photos (and they are the one thing I'm rather fussy about!!) and would definitely recommend his creative eye and subtle, non-intrusive style.

Sometimes "Thank you" seems too small a word. Well, two words.

2011-10-10T20:42:00.001+01:00

Our wedding and our honeymoon were one huge gigantic GIFT. Literally. Mr Quinn and I are not exactly rolling in it, and yet through the generosity of family and friends we had a wedding day that was better than either of us could have imagined, a honeymoon that was one of the best holidays either of us have ever had, AND we have a lovely flat to live in. WOW! We are blessed beyond belief and so thankful, because as I said, none of it’s been down to us. I say none of it... OK we did work our little a**es (which got even littler due to a generous dollop of stress!) off over the summer to save money, and every other spare minute was taken up with wedding planning. But that made the day and the honeymoon even more special. We were so glad it all came together and SO appreciated having a break away after!

I’m intending on writing more details about everything over the next few weeks, which some of you may be interested in, and some not, but either way...I hope you’re all reading this: if you were involved in any way with our wedding, be it driving miles to get here, setting up tables, making origami birds, sending us a letter, making a cake, etc, etc let me just say the biggest THANK YOU from Mr Q and me, we really can’t say it enough. We were overwhelmed by people’s generosity and kindness. It’s a privilege and a pleasure to have friends and family like you. X x x (and don’t worry Mum, in case you think we were trying to get away with not doing them... thank you letters WILL be coming... soon....!!)

ahhh look at those shiny happy faces! ;-)

four days to go!

2011-09-13T11:30:00.002+01:00

"A marriage is not the joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds that one new one might be formed"

(Mike Mason, 'the mystery of marriage' p.103)

philippians 4:19

2011-09-08T09:19:00.003+01:00

DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT IN EVERYTHING
BY PRAYER AND PETITION
PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD
AND THE PEACE OF GOD
WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING
WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS
IN CHRIST JESUS

Bubbles

2011-08-26T18:02:00.001+01:00

Love this picture of my cousin, Hannah - taken at the wedding of another cousin, Lydia :-)

Fear

2011-08-26T17:57:00.004+01:00

I have the privilege of writing occassionally for Scripture Union's WordLive (which are daily Bible readings and thoughts and other bits online). I'm not just saying that, I really do appreciate having the opportunity to do something I enjoy and get to share it with others. Today features one of my poemy/meditationy things - it's about fear.. Check out the "Fear" box on the bottom right of the page (just a warning: a male voice reads it out if you're expecting to hear me!)

speaking of plans...

2011-08-22T22:35:00.004+01:00

...we still don't have anywhere certain for the both of us to live, and it looks like I'm about to be fairly job-less. Hmm life is certainly an adventure. We're (generally) not too worried - i think it's kind of funny, and I'm curious to find out how things will work out. We won't be made homeless at anycase, which is something to be thankful for. It seems even more surreal at the moment because I'm currently house/cat-sitting in a family home with plenty of space all to myself. Soon there could be two of us squeezed into one room! So i'm enjoying the space while I have it!

It's less than 4 weeks 'til we tie the knot. Mental. That's not quite sunk in yet. Neither has the fact that I can't keep on putting off making decisions like music/flowers/makeup/etc. Yes I realise most brides would have had these down a good while ago. But I am not most brides! But I am getting down to business, really I am. Today I even hired some chairs and tables for the guests. Go me! :-) Haha don't panic one and all... everything will come together, and I'm (hopefully) not being blase about it - I am aware that there's a fair bit to do, and now that English teaching work is drying up, I'm prepared to get my rear into gear!

"THE MIND GOVERNED BY THE SPIRIT IS LIFE AND PEACE" romans 8.6

two of my fave pics from lovely Louise's wedding

2011-08-22T22:27:00.002+01:00

Come Away - Jesus Culture

2011-08-16T09:23:00.000+01:00

Some thoughts on Plans

2011-08-16T08:24:00.004+01:00

Plans are on my mind. Wedding plans – house plans- lesson plans – staying and leaving plans – visa plans – honeymoon plans – living plans – job plans – coming and going plans – saving plans – spending plans – next week – next month – next year plans

Constant asking and being asked, thinking, worrying, dreaming, scheming, wondering and worrying a little bit more...

Often struggling to trust

Doubting that everything will work out in the end. Which bit is the end? And will we even live to see it?

COMMIT TO THE LORD EVERYTHING YOU DO AND YOUR PLANS WILL SUCCEED (Proverbs 16.3 NIV)

Meaning...
Because I’m a Christian everything I do will go well? Perhaps not...

Meaning... A cursory mention of the one above and like a lucky charm we’ll hold onto promises that perhaps we’ve interpreted to fit our needs, stamping our plans with the approval of words we put into God’s mouth...rather than letting him speak. Have we turned his name into superstition?

To COMMIT means to entrust, to let someone else take charge, a handing over of control... so our plans become His...a surrender to the bigger picture where we are not the main character on the stage. An uncomfortable idea, yet comforting too, knowing that He holds our burdens as well as our dreams in hands that show the signs of a love too deep to describe

But does that then mean we just sit back, willing God’s will without getting up from the sofa – as if His will is a conveyor belt, as it doesn’t really involve us... letting God ‘get on with his business’ while we get on with ours, losing ourselves in things that have little eternal consequences

We talk about following God – when we follow someone we’ve got to know where they are going, watch out for the twists and turns as they wind a path in front of you. It requires knowing something of the One we are following, so that when their back disappears from view, we have a sense of the direction in which they might head

A quote:
“Jesus always calls us to move forwards and we find ourselves battling with the desire to settle for a quiet life. The Lord calls us to journey with him in order to settle the land. The call is to respond to the cry of creation, to fill it with the presence of the Lord” *

Perhaps, then we walk with and not behind... walk with Him in the garden in the cool of the day... walk and talk and share and learn and BE together...

Perhaps, then we are not just puppets on a string or chess pieces on a board, being manipulated by a heavenly hand.

Perhaps it’s more like an orchestra... he the conductor and each of us with a different part to play.
With full freedom to deviate from the score, and make mistakes...and the wonder, the miracle of it is in the way he turns these accidents, squeaks, crashes and broken strings, or even wilful out-of-tune notes and use them to create a masterpiece... thank God it’s not a solo piece we’re playing! Thank God His grace and creativity reach to the farthest stretches of the universe...

Commit your works to the LORD
And your plans will be established (Proverbs 16.3 NASB)

So perhaps the best plan we could make is to find ways by which the symphony can be heard in even the darkest, most silent corners of the earth, and to encourage the broken, the hurting, the angry and the cynics to pick up their instruments and begin to play along

"The call is to respond to the cry of creation, to fill it with the presence of the Lord”.

Impossible?

THERE IS NO WISDOM, NO INSIGHT, NO PLAN THAT CAN SUCCEED AGAINST THE LORD (Proverbs 21.30 NIV)

And the Lord is... Love. The Lord is a God of righteousness and justice. The Lord is mercy and grace. The Lord is compassion. The Lord is life.

Nothing clever, nothing conceived, nothing contrived,
can get the better of GOD. (Proverbs 21.30 The Message)

Perhaps today it might feel like a plan has failed. perhaps today the ending isn’t a happy one. But perhaps today we only see a fraction of the picture, a mere line of the entire story. And perhaps the ending, in the very end – which will also be a beginning - will be all the more wonderful because of such lines.

*Can't remember where this quote is from, found it written on a piece of paper!

engagement shoot

2011-08-14T21:33:00.002+01:00

Check out our engagement photos, taken by the wonderful Laurence/Larry Jarrett-Kerr :-)

We had fun doing these!

teach me, please?

2011-08-03T18:00:00.003+01:00

I had some great conversations with someone who also did the Tesol course and who had already trained and worked as a 'real teacher' for several years. Mmm good conversations can be like food, nourishing your bones and making you feel content, yet hungry for more. Lucy and I had some great chats about all kinds of things on the bus from Witney to Oxford via Eynsham, and for them I was very grateful. :-)

During our course we observed others teach and we commented on how some people just seemed to have 'the knack' (even if their skills weren't honed by experience yet). Interestingly those people were also the ones we were drawn to in terms of wanting to hang out with them. Perhaps it was the warmth and sensitivity that they demonstrated when relating to all people, regardless of the situation. Basically they were good to be around and immediately likeable. Which brings me to the question of whether this is important with regards teaching. How important is it to be liked by your students? Is it necessary for effective learning? Does it even matter or make a difference?

Sensitivity is a funny thing, and as a pretty sensitive person I've often struggled with the mix of positive and negative effects it can have on my thoughts, feelings and point of view. A good teacher needs to be sensitive to the needs of the students and willing to adapt to them - it's about the learners after all, not the teacher, as we were often reminded on the course! This requires awareness and intuition. I think I'm fairly good at reading people and situations however my problem comes in how personally I take these observations. One roll of the eyes or slouch in the chair and I'm panicking - is my lesson too boring? Too easy? Have I spent too long on this point? Am I being annoying? Do they dislike me? AM I A BAD TEACHER?!

"Am I a bad teacher?" Now that should be my main concern, but to be honest perhaps I do end up worrying more about whether or not I am liked. Does being liked = good teacher? No, not necessarily. And neither does being disliked or disagreed with necessarily mean you're a bad teacher. So I know it's silly to care so much about what people think of me (and this is an issue that exists ouside the classroom just as much as in) - but I wonder how you stop caring yet remain sensitive and retain a degree of warmth? There are many people who don't give a toss about others opinion and who probably teach well but to be honest I'd really rather not have a personality like theirs, which I'd often describe as intimidating, cold or unapproachable.

So do I put on an act, somehow leave 'me', or the deeper parts of me, at the door and pretend to be thicker skinned than I am? Speak with authority even though I'm shaking inside? I have heard people say it's all an act... Actually a few people remarked to me how well I seem to be coping. I laughed and said I just cry when no one's watching. Which is true - I cried nearly every day during the past two weeks. It's also a lie, some people did see me cry, just not the students or other teachers (yet! haha!)

I'm sure I'm not the first to wonder how you gain people's respect and manage to build rapport with them without being a pushover but without being a bitch/male version of bitch either! The middle way is not obvious to me and I envy those who walk it with ease. I may be 'teacher' but I certainly have a lot to learn...

Am I really a teacher?

2011-08-03T17:45:00.004+01:00

I have been a teacher for a full 2 weeks and 3 days now. Well, a teacher of English I should say. Somehow I feel the need to clarify that I am not what I'd still call a 'real teacher', i.e. PGCE, secondary school, class full of kids to teach/control. I do think their job is a whole lot harder and I don't think I could do it. I feel I've cheated the system somewhat - doing just a five week course and then heading straight to the front of a room full of foreign students for several hours a day, armed with board markers and not much else (it feels to me!).

Having said that, I cannot let you assume that I'm finding this a 'breeze'. Yes, I really enjoyed the Tesol course and yes, I suppose I felt quite confident throughout it that this was something I could do, and potentially do well. That may still be the case, however I am far from reaching that 'doing well' place. Unfortunately. It really isn't very comfortable to feel so out of ones depth every day! I feel a bit of a fraud and fear this feeling shows through! Really I'm just a 20-something-year-old who happens to be English and would rather be your friend than tell you what to do.

I've tried disguising my age and inexperience (and attempting to distinguish myself from the Spanish/German/Swiss students) by dressing up 'smart'. But this in itself is proving rather a challenge when ones wardrobe consists mainly of jeans, hoodies, or clothes with holes in. I might manage the heels and tighter-fitting-trousers-than-normal, but the chipped bright pink nail varnish that I forgot to remove, the mismatched earrings and the messy hair slightly detract from my sophisticated look. Ah well. It would be a big challenge to fit this chick into any kind of corporate box, she's realising more and more!

more thoughts on teaching to come... didn't want to overwhelm y'all with the mass of ponderations that have been bubbling away under the surface as I dash from classroom to classroom trying not to drop my papers all over the floor...

Moments to be thankful for in amongst hectic times

2011-08-02T13:16:00.005+01:00

* Dancing with my boy on the grass by the sea in West Wittering to the tunes of someone else's wedding disco that drifted over from their garden

* RESTING with my family in our favourite place

* Louise and Jana's wedding, especially sitting in the sun watching all the boys play cricket to the soundtrack of some reggae and then later when everyone was dancing together - Sri Lankans in their Saris, Essex family in short dresses, and London friends in a whole array of styles and colour... happy times :-)

* Staying an extra, unexpected night in one of those houses that make you feel immediately welcome and at peace... and breakfast on the sunshiney terrace in the morning accompanied by inspiring conversations.

* swimming in the sea. always.

* Lauren having a beautiful baby girl, and Rachael getting engaged.

"Get over your hill..."

2011-07-14T09:40:00.002+01:00

Was feeling a bit meh yesterday... kinda anxious/low/frustrated... but took a walk over the golf course and as I walked up the grassy hills with a beautiful evening sky above me, listened to this song. Good words!

After the Storm (Mumford & Sons)
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair

2011-07-14T09:37:00.001+01:00

seems everyone's talkin' bout things a'changin'...
an' takin' courage in the midst of it

countryside

2011-07-08T20:04:00.003+01:00

a couple of weeks ago, as part of my training for the swim, and cuz i was a bit stressed out, went for a long bike ride. Can't believe I've never really properly explored the countryside beyond where I live. It's rather lovely in the evening sunshine. Something about long, straight, empty roads and blue sky...

made it!

2011-07-05T09:21:00.002+01:00

woo hoo we did it! And in about 25 minutes which I was quite surprised at. The sea was calm and it was a beautiful day so really enjoyed it.

PS Thanks to those who sponsored us, we raised about £300 for FareShare. Woop!

worry not

2011-07-01T10:32:00.002+01:00

OK so I KNOW we're told many times not to worry
I know that worrying solves nothing
I know that I don't want worry or fear to be what dictates my decisions and feelings
I know that my God can feed 5,000 people with just a few fish and loaves of bread
I know that I am His child and He gives good things to His children
I know that I am fortunate enough to have people around who will help out if worst comes to worst

YET... I still often find myself carrying a knot of anxiety in my stomach, wondering if things will work out, carrying burdens I have told other people so many times to lay down. I worry we will not be able to save enough money over the summer to get us somewhere to live once we're married. I worry that the wedding will not be what I hoped it would be. I worry I will let people down. I worry I'll let myself down. I worry about worrying.

oh man! I am so human. and on another day I'd laugh at myself. And I know I'll look back and say what a waste of time and life that worrying was.

And even in the midst of this, He continually shows His kindness. We unexpectedly received some money from a relative the other day, which is such a blessing. And this morning I read something in Matthew that i swear I've never seen before, even though I've read the book several times. I guess Peter was worrying about paying the bills, and Jesus says look the authorities 'ain't got nothing on us' - or words to that effect - 'but just so you know God's still looking out for you, go catch a fish and there'll be the money to pay in the fish's mouth'. So He can provide in all sorts of unexpected ways!! And I'm sorry once again for doubting.

So. Perhaps 100 times a day, if I need to, I will try and 'lay it down'. To breathe deeply and be grateful for what I do have. And chose to live in the today.

Swim around the Pier!!

2011-06-28T19:10:00.004+01:00

so this may or may not be a sensible way to spend the final weekend of the course... but this Sunday I will be swimming around Brighton's West Pier. And the reason is... well partly for the challenge, partly to accompany my friend Helen, but mainly to raise money for FareShare Brighton and Hove, the food redistribution project about which I wrote a few weeks ago.

The swim is 1km, I'm not sure how long it's going to take us! Please do sponsor us, the cause is a great one. Go to our Just Giving page here.

this and that

2011-06-24T11:07:00.002+01:00

Life and death. Old and new. Finding and losing. Giving and taking. Winter, spring, summer and autumn. Joy and grief. Celebration and mourning. All of this, a part of the journey we call life.

All in the past week or two:

One of my mum's best friends has died of cancer, leaving a son who's a little younger than me. 'It's not fair'. 'Fair' doesn't really exist on this side of death, I'm beginning to think. Although we do a good job of pretending, or of trying to make it our right. But we are not invincible. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? So... even more reason to embrace today. She was only 50-something and will leave a big gap in many people's lives. A gap. A loss. An empty space. Nothing can fill those spaces. In the past, when I've left a place and gone somewhere new I've tried to fit new friends into the spaces of old friends. "Oh, you're just like so and so...". But it doesn't work like that, does it?

On the other end of the spectrum, my friends Adele and Larry have had a baby called Talitha. New life, a new person, so exciting... the 9 months of waiting make it even more so!! Can't wait to meet her.

And last weekend, a dear friend who's like a brother to me got married. Marriage is both life and death in a sense. They die to themselves, to their independent, all-about-me, life and start out on a new togetherness that's far deeper than anything they've experienced so far. Maybe that's why I often feel a little weird at weddings - there's often a sad moment. because, things won't ever be the same. And this is good and exciting, yet it also requires a 'leaving behind...'

I'm also currently reading 'Desert Flower' - the autobiography of Waris Dirie, Somalian model and UN ambassador who now campaigns against female genital mutilation ( bet that caused a sudden intake of breath! - not a 'pleasant' thought, no, but that wasn't the point of this post...) Her story puts a lot of these life/loss/love/death thoughts in perspective... I have no idea about suffering... not really.

Anyways, more another time perhaps. Back to studying Katrina!

twitchy tired

2011-06-22T19:16:00.005+01:00

Half way through the TESOL course and i am

tiiiiiiiiirrrrrrreeeeddddddd.

like my eyes are twitching pretty much constantly kind of tired.

i don't think i've ever done so much studying - literally it's all i do from 9am till 10.30pm with breaks for food and bus travel. BUT, it's generally useful stuff and not difficult, and I am managing to concentrate better than i thought. It's just a LOT. All the time. Lessons to plan, assignments, presentations,etc. I enjoy the actual teaching though, so that's a relief! And the very eclectic mix of people in the group is cool, as our the students we teach. So can't complain. Just gotta keep on going going going!

weekend retreat

2011-06-17T12:21:00.003+01:00

Last weekend i managed to steal away from studies for 24 hours with the lovely ladies of my church. They were staying in two beautiful cottages in the sussex countryside. Good company, delicious food (very important part of our church life together!), country walk, great chats, running around outside, big bonfire, peace, prayers...

all change

2011-06-03T09:42:00.004+01:00

So, it's all change in my life... and will be for the next few months really.

Last week I finished working at the Pre-School where I've been since October, and also spent time volunteering during the year before that. Although I wasn't there everyday, I've spent more time with my 3 and 4 year-old friends than my 23 and 24 year-old friends over the past few months! So I'm sure I'm going to miss them, and wonder how they are all getting on.

This week is halfterm, which has given a chance to rest a little from a very busy May, see a few friends and also get on with wedding stuff, before everything is paused for 5 weeks. WHY? Well because, as of Monday I will be doing a intensive CELTA Tesol to become qualified at teaching English. My thinking is it will always be a useful skill, and one I can use both here in the UK and abroad. I also knew of a course that was considerably cheaper, and wanted to do it before getting married.
So here I am, slightly procrastinating packing for 5 whole weeks away from Brighton, because this course is in Oxfordshire. I'm going to be living 'back home' with the parents, which is very helpful and am very grateful for that, but also slightly apprehensive... I've not spent that long back in Oxford for several years. Praying I don't revert to the moody teenager that once graced the buses and bicycles of the area! I've not been away from Brighton for that long in ages either, which has made me realise how much of a home it's become, because the idea of it makes me feel a bit unsettled. I'm going to miss Mr Q a whole big lot too!!!

I'm also aware the course is very full on and potentially quite stressful. So I guess I'm not quite sure how the whole experience is going to be. BUT it's something I definitely want to do. I'm actually looking forwards to studying again, hopefully my brain can wake up after 2 years of not using it so much!

There are exciting things to break up the 5 weeks though, like a wedding and a weekend away with the 'ladies' from my church, woop. Sadly it does mean missing out on another friends wedding in Ibiza, which I am pretty gutted about!

When I get back from Oxford it'll be only just over 2 months until the wedding, and I'll need to find a job, start looking for a flat for us, and generally prepare for starting life together. There will also be a few goodbyes to people who are leaving Brighton, which is sad and will have quite an impact I think. So I'm taking a deep breath now, as there might not be much time for one over the summer! It will be hectic and tiring and I'm sure I will get stressed from time to time despite best intentions not to, BUT I'm also really up for all this change, for this transition-y bit as life enters a new season.

the moment when a plane flew across the sky with a banner behind it asking someone to marry them...

2011-05-28T14:24:00.003+01:00

why Jesus? one of my reasons

2011-05-28T13:59:00.002+01:00

because He was, and is Compassionate.

e.g. 'When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things'. (Mark 6:34)

"Compassion constitutes a radical form of criticism, for it announces that the hurt is to be taken seriously, that the hurt is not to be accepted as normal and natural but is an abnormal and unacceptable condition for humaness"
(Walter Brueggemann 'The Prophetic Imagination', p.85)

Compassion is not just a feeling. It sounds like... 'Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest' (Matthew 11:28).

How? In part, because compassion brings us to the level of the one who is suffering. We SHARE in it, we help carry the burden. One thing we can say with certainty - Jesus knew what suffering felt like (read Isaiah 53...), and His suffering was not without purpose. Just like campaigners for justice who act in SOLIDARITY with groups of people, their actions demonstrate a belief in the worth of others, and can bring about change .

Compassion moved Jesus ACT; to teach, to feed, to heal, to set free, to give his time and energy and love. The kingdom that Jesus invited people to be apart of was about clothing the naked, giving shelter to the homeless, welcoming the stranger, inviting the outcasts to a banquet. I'd like my life to look like that.

what if?

2011-05-18T20:36:00.002+01:00

what if someone knew your name?
what if someone knew how many hairs were on your head?
what if you were not an accident?
what if the world needed you?
what if you had something of value to say?
what if your actions could change something?
what if there was order in the chaos?
what if the stars were a gift to you?
what if you were not made wrong?
what if someone called you beautiful?
what if there was a reason for the empty ache inside you?
what if there was something bigger?
what if there is a plan?
what if you were free to chose?
what if there was another path to take?
what if there was something to look forward to?
what if someone knew how many tears you have cried behind closed doors?
what if someone wanted to be with you?
what if someone was ready to hold you?
what if you weren't alone?
what if there is hope?
what if this pain won't last forever?
what if you don't have to be trapped by your past?
what if there was a light at the end of the tunnel?
what if things could change?
what if there was a space where you could be you and that was the best person you could be?
what if you just walking into the room made someone smile?
what if someone understood?

what if all this were true?
what would you do?

2011-05-14T10:53:00.001+01:00

Pre-school + wedding preparations + Poetry performances + trying to get as much done before I start Tesol course in June = tired Katrina and not much blogging time!

FareShare

2011-05-10T22:48:00.004+01:00

So last saturday I spent the afternoon sitting up at Devil's Dyke under a green gazebo. Why? Well, part from the attraction of spending a few hours on a hill with a beautiful view, I was there to promote the work of FareShare. Now you may remember that I spent almost a year regularly volunteering at FareShare here in Brighton. Or you may not. And you may have no idea what it is. So let me tell you. And then perhaps you'll see why it's worth giving up an afternoon for it.

FareShare is, put simply, a food redistribution project. It collects food that would have otherwise been thrown away, and gives it out to over 40 different charities and projects across Brighton, Hove and Worthing. Now this is not 'bad food'. It is good quality and ranges from fruit and veg to pasta, pies, beverages and more. It might be past its 'sell by' date BUT NOT its 'used by' date. Its packaging might be damaged, or it might simply be surplus to demand. For all these reasons it cannot be sold and would usually contribute to the 6.8 million tonnes of avoidable food waste produced by the food industry each year!!

To cut down on this wastage, a range of retailers, manufacturers and wholesalers including Pret a Manger (sandwiches everyday!), Infinity Foods and Nestle have teamed up with FareShare who regularly collect food from them in their two refrigerated vans. The food is taken to the warehouse in Moulsecoombe, sorted, recorded and stored.

Every morning the projects who receive the food are called with the list of available food and put in their requests. Obviously depending on the season and markets, this is different every day. Sometimes there might be thousands of boxes of kitkats and hundreds of swedes for example, and at another time there's been loads boxes of chorizo! But there's always something.

Then the same vans (you might have seen them around) are loaded up with the orders, and driven around the city, dropping of green trays of FREE FOOD to many grateful recipients. These include projects that work with vulnerable groups such as homeless people, vulnerable children, substance misusers, older people, HIV sufferers, families, refugess & asylum seekers, unemployed people, etc. Maintaining a balanced, nutritious diet is so important to physical and social wellbeing, and not always something the clients or the projects can afford to access.

218.5 tonnes of quality surplus food were delivered to vulnerable people in 2010 which meant 3200 people benefitted from the donations every week!!

So who does all this driving and unloading and loading I hear you ask? Well that is another great part of the FareShare. Nearly everyone is a volunteer, and they come from a whole variety of backgrounds. For some it is a first step back into regular work after rehab or unemployment. I've met several people for whom volunteering at FareShare has been a huge positive impact on their self confidence, life skills and recovery from difficult situations. Members of the Rotary club also come and help as do university students and police officers in training. Volunteering is a great way to meet all sorts of people, and to get a good picture of what is going on in Brighton & Hove. For me it was both an eye opener to the struggles that many people face as well all the positive things that people are doing to make a difference in the city.

So basically, FareShare is a brilliant project from whatever angle you look at it. Last year I did a telephone survey to assess the impact of the food donations on all the projects. Many of them could not run or would be severely limited in the services they offer if FareShare stopped delivering them food.

SO... if you are looking to give any spare time, skill or money, I would without reservation suggest you give them a call. No one's asked me to write this, I just really believe that it's doing such an important job in our city, and as with most people and projects, it is struggling in the current economic climate. Money is needed for fuel and maintenance of the vans, and for renting the warehouse and office space. If you don't fancy driving a van or loading up trays of food, you could help out with admin work or by helping to fundraise/raise awareness.

If you do want to get in touch,
email info@faresharebrightonandhove.co.uk or call 01273 671111

performing last week at Hammer & Tongue

2011-05-10T22:45:00.000+01:00

but...

2011-05-08T22:58:00.003+01:00

...having said that, I do have photos from the rest of the weekend. hooray!!

LOSER!

2011-05-08T22:51:00.002+01:00

i said photos would follow, but I managed to lose my memory card whilst in Wales. With all the snowdon photos on. GUTTED!! :-(

will just have to climb it again sometime i guess...

(but still praying it turns up somehow...)

Wales walks

2011-04-30T23:20:00.004+01:00

after a week full of some more great sunshine times and treats, including kayaking on the sea, bbqs, lots of beaching, various takeaways AND a cinema trip (SPOILT!! return to 'saving pennies' starts next week!) and being back at pre-school, I am now in beautiful North Wales hanging out with a beautiful friend. phew, long sentence!! It's great to be here, i love the ruggedness of the surroundings as opposed to southern england's gently rolling fields. I love the space and the peace and the vastness. Happy soul. We didn't hang about and climbed Snowdon yesterday, having arrived Thursday night. We went up the Watkins path and down the Miners for anyone who is familiar with the mountain. The first and last time I climbed Snowdon was when I was about 8 years old and my dad took me and my sister up the most difficult, dangerous route by mistake (Crib Gogh). We loved it! But it was nice to do it again on a clear-ish day, with some sun and visibility enough to see some amazing views. Photos to come!!

Today we walked again, despite protesting calf muscles, although it was a little more easy going this time. We went up to a gorgeous waterfall which I came to last time I was up here. Except then it was November, raining. cold, and we were totally drenched by the spray of the falls. Today there was much less water, a gentle river, rocks to scramble across, and blue skies.

so my body is tired but in the nicest kind of way. Hooray.

coast

2011-04-23T00:23:00.004+01:00

wow well i just feel like a very lucky girl to be getting all these outside sunny times... hooray for good weather during holidays. Today was just yummy... had home made hot cross buns at some friends' house with others from church this morning (thankful to be part of a community that likes hanging out and appreciates good food!!). After that Llewellyn and I headed off on our bicycles with our rucksaks along the coast to ovingdean where we parked our bikes then parked ourselves down on the beach, gradually heading toward rottingdean and beyond as we went in search of patches of sand. We just CHILLED, enjoyed the sun, the warmth, the peace, the clear blue sea (was not brave enough to swim today i'm ashamed to say, it was COLD and I'm on the brink of a cold, so stuck to paddling).

Ah those big blue spaces of sky and sea are good for the soul! As is walking barefoot, cycling with a glorious coastal view and the first icecream cone of the year. Happy Katrina!

It contrasts with the vibe of Easter Friday, which I suppose most have been a very dark day, a hopeless, confusing, lost kind of day. And those days still seem to occur. But today was light and good and i shall celebrate it and be thankful.

sunny day out near hassocks

2011-04-21T21:38:00.002+01:00

Facebook page!

2011-04-19T12:20:00.001+01:00

Well I've decided to try and 'get out there' a bit more with my words and performances and ting. So, I now have a facebook 'page' with fans and everything! woop de doop.

Check it out here!

one reason for loving...

2011-04-19T00:48:00.002+01:00

...a rather pensive looking Llewellyn. Glad to be with someone who thinks lots about life, the world, God, etc - like me - and can handle my questions/frustrations/ponderings and often the accompanying tears! :-)

DJ JOY

2011-04-17T21:07:00.003+01:00

We celebrated Joy's 25th birthday this weekend :-) So here's just a little bit more celebration, for a woman that many people are privileged to call a friend. A lady full of suprises - she is more than what she seems, if you can believe that's possible - and hidden talents (not quite mastered the DJ-ing yet tho!!). And just generally brilliant. Much love to you Joyful!

2011-04-13T22:32:00.002+01:00

thank you God for colourful food, for tasty red wine, for beautiful creative friends, for honest and thoughtful conversations, for hugs, for pretty background music, for stillness, for being part of all of this goodness.

sunny restful weekend in Oxford

2011-04-13T18:43:00.006+01:00

thought there'd been a lack of photos in recent posts :-)

had a lovely weekend in oxford seeing the family and being outside in the sun lots... on runs, walks, bike rides, garden lazing, park frisby-ing, city centre tourist-ing and a brief dip in the Thames river. I think we're made for that - sunshine and air and moving in it - it definitely made us feel happier, healthier and more alive.

It's strange how Oxford has slowly gone from being 'home' - where i'd fit back into work, social life, etc even after being away for months at a time, to the 'place where my parents live' where I can go to get away from things, with only a smattering of friends about. There is a sense of loss to this transition, and the realisation that as mentioned in a post not long ago, things aren't going to go back to how they were. At the same time it also means that returning to Brighton feels more like coming 'home' than ever, and I have full life here for which I am so thankful. Plus when i do go back to Oxford, it's more about seeing my family, which is a good thing... they are the people who are not going to 'go away' after all! This weekend was fairly full of weddingy things, like dress shopping with my mum! And yes, I did get one... but that's all I'm saying! :-)

But yeh, it was great to have a restful few days, gearing up for a busy month or so ahead with lots to do and plan. But I'm up for it!

jump in!

2011-04-10T19:46:00.001+01:00

It's one thing to say you're up for stripping off and jumping in the water when the opportunity arise, and another thing to actually do it. My aim is that for as long as I am physically able, I'll be someone who remains 'up for it'! :-) This makes me think of Donald Miller's book 'a million miles in a thousand years' when he talks about intentionally creating good memories and moments, that add up to make a good story. I want my life to be a good story.

More on writing

2011-04-09T17:44:00.000+01:00

I'm in Oxford at the moment at my parents house. They have a whole shelf-full (shelful? shelfull? shelf-ful?) of books inherited from my grandfather and great aunt about Africa and India, mainly written in colonial times. I picked up one called 'The Dark Eye in Africa' by Laurens Van der Post, published in 1955. The title sounds quite ominous and I wondered what the 'dark eye' referred to. Far from being a fantasy as I imagined, Van der Post actually writes about racial tension and how he viewed this to be the source of many problems in Africa, in particular South Africa. Having judged the book on its dated cover and brown pages, I was surprised at the passion and sensitivity with which the author writes. Anyways to follow on from my previous post, in the introductory chapter, there is another great quote about writing:

"Art to me is the technique of presenting unrealised and hidden values to people potentially capable of appreciating and understanding those values. It is a means by which men can penetrate places in their minds and souls they had never reached before. Writing especially can be a kind of magic mirror which holds up to man and society the neglected and unrealised aspects of himself and his age. Writing can be many other things as well but at this desperate moment I think this may be its most important function" (p.16).

On writing

2011-04-08T20:03:00.000+01:00

I'm reading Stephen King's book 'On Writing'. I can't say I've ever read any of his other books, and to be honest I don't intend to... being someone who's particularly sensitive to any kind of horror/thriller/vaguely scary anything. BUT, I am really enjoying this book which is partly memoir, partly advice on writing, and... I haven't read the rest yet. It's honest, direct, easy to read and has made me laugh out loud several times.

Here's one of my favourite bits in it so far:

"You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, or even despair - the sense that you can never completely put on the page what's in your mind and heart. You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again; you must not come lightly to the blank page".

(p.117-118)

THE "M" WORD

2011-04-06T12:28:00.000+01:00

Mummy?

Men?

Marigolds?

Nope. It's MARRIAGE. Which in itself, purely in terms of how it sounds, is to me a scarily grown up and serious word [Like... carriage...?]. But that's probably not a bad thing. If it sounded trivial and somewhat limp, [like... snog? flump? fling?] that would not be a good start.

Anyways, I'm writing about it because... as I hinted at in a previous post, I am ENGAGED [a slightly softer, more comfortable word yet still with a serious undertone]. It's taken me a month or two for that to sink in, as I never imagined I would be the one wearing a ring, planning a wedding, etc - well not at this age anyways. For most of my life I assumed it would either never happen to me, or if it did it wouldn't be for a long time. I determined not to be someone who sat around waiting for her life to begin when she finally was whisked away my the man of her dreams. Firstly, life's too short, and secondly the image that puts in my mind is of a period drama woman draping herself over furniture and gazing wistfully out of windows. Even if I tried, I could not pull off meek, (no offence, but slightly pathetic?!), dreamy period-drama-woman. Thirdly, throughout my life I've heard it said hundreds of times: "don't worry, there's someone waiting just for you" or lines along a similar vein. However, my logical mind reasoned that there are in fact more women than men in the world (and if looking for someone who shares my beliefs the ratio is even less in a woman's favour) so how could anyone possibly guarantee that? Fourthly, I probably secretly really did like the idea of spending my life with someone but didn't believe I'd be someone's choice of partner so I made myself believe I was really fine being 'just me' so that I wouldn't get disappointed later in life (phew, long sentence!).

And I actually was fine with all that, then a young man strolled in to my life and bit by bit over the last couple of years we've both changed and grown towards each other and like each other a whole big fat lot, and now we've decided to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. Which is HUGE!! yes there is a wedding to plan and that's also something I'd never really thought about before but that is one day and nothing compared to the thought of preparing for a whole life time. Which I guess, is kind of impossible. Because who knows what life will bring? The point is we'll be walking the road together. Even with regards to this year, there are very few things I'm certain about i.e. job, somewhere to live, etc apart from the fact that as of September I'll be facing these unknowns with Mr Q at my side.

And that is a great thing.

Obviously there are things we already do together, and we see each other a lot, so I guess the question for a lot of people in a society where marriage is becoming less and less common is: "what's the point?". Well for us it will be a big change. We won't live together until we are married, which again is quite a crazy concept to many people, and yes it is a risk because for example, there are probably lots of little habits we haven't noticed about each other that might annoy the hell out of us! BUT i kind of think that love should involve some kind of risk. Don't take this as me being flippant, I am not expecting everything to be hunky-dory, and I don't think we should make things hard for the sake of it. However, Commitment doesn't mean anything if we can get out of it at the slightest difficulty. Love is a choice, it doesn't give up, it doesn't keep a record of wrongs (see 1 Corinthians 13 in the New testament for an amazing, challenging description of love). And that idea of committing to someone, whatever happens, is the most powerful expression of love I can think of. Because we will make this commitment, [or oath, or covenant --> deep, heavy, beautiful words] before God and before our friends we will be well and truly bound to one another - which is terrifying yet amazing. And i think it's the best way to lay a foundation for doing life together.

So going back to preparing, I guess what we've been focussing on is being able to be totally open and honest with each other (something I'm still not great at!) and working out how to really be a team, to regain the distance between us when for whatever reason we might have drawn apart.

So there's some of my thoughts... which I've just let spill out as I type, which is interesting because I then realise a bit more of what's going on inside me! I'm just at the beginning of this adventure, and I know there will be plenty of challenges and lots to learn, but today i'm saying HOORAY, I can't wait to marry Mr Q :-)

late night musing

2011-04-03T03:14:00.000+01:00

late night ponderings...

i haven't done this for ages, stayed up late perusing internet, well, facebook, with an urge to chat to people in other places from past times... wishing i had msn or skype or something but this isn't my laptop...

i haven't 'chatted' online for so long, quite a while ago i started to find it all a bit overwhelming, finding it hard enough to keep up with people here in Brighton let alone in Zambia/USA/Spain/etc.

But tonight, I'd like to. Perhaps because today i went to a friend's 'baby bash'/housewarming which doubled up as a reunion with some of my closest university friends, so i'm in a reminiscing mood. Remembering times when hanging out with particular groups of people was an everyday thing, not a once in a while thing.

The reason for the gathering also makes me realise we are growing up, things are changing, and they won't go back to how they were. Which does make me a bit sad to be honest, especially as the future feels pretty uncertain for a lot of us. And it seems that the decisions we make now hold more gravity than ever before. Maybe that's why it's tempting to hold on to the past. Because with hindsight we can see how things worked out. And I'm sure on the whole i remember the good things more than the bad things. Like, for example, I lived in Zambia for about 2 1/2 years and left when i was 15 - which is nearly 10 years ago now. TEN YEARS! yet some memories are still as clear as day, and today I miss friends from there (to be fair I spent several years maintaining close contact with lots of them, it's just been the last couple of years that this has changed) and today I feel nostalgic for even silly things like writing secret notes to boys when in reality I and friends around me are making big decisions like who we are going to spend the rest of our life with!!! And these are good and exciting things but as I said, pretty scary. Then again whatever age you are or season you're in, I think decisions feel like a big deal, life feels uncertain, and we reminisce with our rose tinted spectacles on. I know that my time in Zambia wasn't all easy. I know it took me a long time to make the friendships that I came to appreciate so much. I know that writing notes to boys was sometimes a massive, awkward deal!

So I know really I need to get on and be PRESENT and enjoy the day and the season I'm in. And I should also go to bed because it's nearly 4am and that's just a bit silly! :-)

mulling over... (what I learnt in India part 1)

2011-03-26T08:04:00.000Z

I'm up way earlier than planned on a Saturday morning perfect for a lie in. My body is taking quite a while to adjust to the time difference between India and here. We arrived back on Wednesday after a night flight and I'm still wanting to go to bed by about 8pm (not great for socialising it must be said!) and waking up aroun 5 or 6am, as India is 5.5 hours ahead of us. I never knew time differences came in half an hours as well as full hours. Well I suppose going away to 'far away' places teaches you new things...

I've been mulling over what I learnt during our 10 days in Chennai. It seems so easy just to slip back into 'normal life', but I don't want to forget, or not fully appreciate my time away. I have to say I didn't feel like I experienced 'Culture Shock', nor was I particularly overwhelmed by any element of what I encountered, which means the things I learnt/felt/saw were perhaps more subtle and I think I absorbed a lot without registering it. [This is not to say that I am insensitive or a particularly hardened traveller, it's more that where we stayed and the places we visited were probably more 'tame' than other parts of India - from what others have said].

SO... what did I learn that I didn't know before...?

"The North East"

(ignore blue arrow on the map, it will just confuse you!)

We met and made friends with several people from the North East of India. Now I profess my ignorance - I originally thought that this meant Calcutta and thereabouts. I hadn't quite taken in the fact that west of Bangladesh there's a whole other 'chunk' to India. Our friends came from Nagaland and Manipur, regions that border on Burma. Again, in my ignorance, by their physical appearance i would never have said they were 'Indian' - I probably would have guessed Thai or Malaysian.

(Florence, Juju and me)

Which brings me to the whole crazy nature of colonially created borders and nations. There are over 2,500 people groups in India - it seems madness that a few foreigners decided to make this mass of land a country. And no wonder there's been tensions. (I speak with very limited knowledge and experience e.g. of the nature of Indian 'national identity', so forgive me if I offend in any way, I'm just processing a mix of things seen, heard, learnt - and most probably assumed, because I think this is what humans do!) With this many ethnic groups it's impossible to generalise and make comparisons - because for example even within say Nagaland, there are many tribes who are fighting against each other. Having said this, people did seem to often identify themselves by the region that the came from e.g. Kerala or Tamil Nadu.

Through meal time conversations we learnt that it was quite a big challenge for the 'north easterners' to come and live in the south east. There are big differences in food (much more spicy and less sweet in the north east - they even put chilli with raw mangoes... i think i'd find the diet more challenging!). There were jokes about how you know when you're in the north east when you don't even see any crows about - because all the animals have been eaten. A friend we met from Nagaland had eaten dogs, crows, frogs, ants, spiders - basically everything we could think of asking him! There's also differences in what is acceptable in terms of clothing. Chennai has been quite influenced by the West but we still had to be careful to dress modestly and cover shoulders, legs, etc, whereas the girls from Manipur were used to wearing strappy tops and shorts. Another funny, although perhaps slightly uncomfortable, conversation was about differences in skin colour and body hair... J said she found hairy men 'disgusting' (there were plenty of moustaches around in Chennai!) and had been nervous about meeting southerners with much darker skin. [That's another crazy thing that one doesn't just encounter in India... all over the world people are trying to lighten their skin - staying out of the sun and even using bleach, while we pale one roast and toast ourselves at every opportunity!! ]

Having mentioned some of the cultural differences, what was brilliant about the place where we stayed was that there were people from all over India, and from a whole range of economical and social backgrounds. AND they loved each other, shared everything, and served each other. Their diversity was expressed in positive ways, such as when they danced... when we move our bodies we express so much that can't be said, and these were times when the influence of ethnic/cultural background, mixed with the uniqueness of each person, really shone through.

There are more things to say, but this post is getting long, so I'll leave them for another day. :-)

His hand reaches out to you

2011-03-24T11:20:00.000Z

His hand reaches out to you - an invitation
His hand reaches out to you. It says, ‘Come’.
‘Come with me.
Come, dance with me.
Come, walk with me.
Come, run with me.
Come, just BE with me.
Come, you might not know exactly the road that we will take BUT we will travel it together‘.

His hand reaches out to you -
An offer of hope,
An answer to your loneliness,
A stronghold as everything around you shakes.
What else can we put our trust in?
What else will remain?

His hand reaches out to you -
An outstretched arm
A risk, of love.
A request, not a command.

His hand reaches out to you -
BUT
You did not see it.
Your gaze was focussing elsewhere.
You were blind to that hand, whilst seeing all other temptations and distractions that draw your attention away from seeking, seeking, seeking
The ONLY was that leads to life.

His hand reaches out to you -
And you saw it and you heart was moved for a moment in hopeful anticipation.
BUT you did not respond.
You did not move.
For your hands were busy elsewhere.
Busy worrying and striving and organising and meeting
and trying and trying to achieve and trying and trying to be successful
And trying and trying to look good and follow the rules and be a ‘proper christian’ and impress and…

Your hands were busy elsewhere -
Carrying burdens you were never meant to carry
Wringing themselves in anxiety
Holding your head in despain.

His hand reaches out to you
But to take it seems too hard
Or perhaps, it seems too easy.
Is that really all he requires at this moment?
Is that really enough?
To lay everything down
To surrender worries and plans and strategies
And to reach out your hand in response.
To let Him gently pull you up from the ground where you sit - proud. lonely. afraid.
To let Him lead you out from the dark edges into the light to dance dance dance with Him.
To let Him pull you into an embrace.
To let Him hold you.
To let Him guide you into new spaces of freedom where you can truly be yourself.
To walk beside Him in harmony, enjoying one another’s company.
To run with Him into an adventure you had hardly dared to dream about.

His hand reaches out to you - an invitation
His hand reaches out to you with longing and with love
His hand reaches out to you -

Will you take it?

(I wrote this for the New Life Assemblies of God church in Chennai where we were worshipping this weekend)

more roofing

2011-03-20T11:17:00.000Z

another HIGHlight (pun intented!) up on the roof was wednesday afternoon, which we spent with a group of orphan girls that the beach centre has been regularly hanging out with for the last few years. Coming here is a chance for them to have a break from their strict school routines and have some fun. And fun we did have! We played games, did an activity using flags and then we just danced around crazily to some Godfrey Birtill songs. You know those moments when you just feel so glad to be in a certain place at a certain time? That was one of those - jumping around wildly with everyone, sweating, and enjoying being together. It was also one of those times that bond you a little deeper with people, and since then have felt much more 'at home' here and that the students and staff here are becoming my friends. Hooray!! What a privilege...

Roof tops

2011-03-17T04:12:00.000Z

I love buildings with roof tops that you can go out on.

The roof of the Beach Centre, where we are staying, reminds me the roof top of the block of flats I lived in in Seville. Red tiles and whitewashed walls. But from this roof you can see the sea to the east, which makes it extra special. In Spain most people just used the roof for hanging out laundry. It only seemed to be a novelty to me, and I'd go up every morning, before the tiles got too hot, I used to go to eat my breakfast, journal and pray.

This roof is used for more than laundry, it's good for many things.... like

Watching the sunrise - finally after several days of planning too then giving in to the call of 'more sleep', I went up this morning to watch the sunrise (6.15am). The first thing i succeeded in doing was scaring away one of the boys who was up there already by my loud nose blowing. cringe. my 'hayfever' or whatever it is seems to be even worse here than england. anyways moving away from snot, and back to the sun.... it dawned red tucked behind a layer of cloud above the sea, and at that moment it's hard to believe that all the light and heat we are about to experience will radiate from that dim red ball. The cloud seemed to rise with the sun, so Kirsty and i were standing waiting for it to fully reveal itself for what felt like a long time. In fact we went back down to our room before it did and watched from the

window before catching a few more minutes sleep.

Dancing! yesterday afternoon we were teaching on moving with flags, for which there is not enough space in the hall we've been using, so we danced up on the roof - which although hot was a nice change from the air conditioning and fluorescent lights! Music was pumped out over the neighbourhood and some beautiful movements were displayed. I find the whole flag stuff kind of tricky as I'm not such a graceful mover, but I enjoyed taking a lot of photos :-)

Chatting... Up to now everyone on the base has been really busy and we haven't had much chance to hang out with people outside of teaching times, which i've found quite strange as I was looking forwards to getting to know people and finding out more about life here. But last night after our evening meal several people were up on the roof, enjoying the cooler evening breeze and we got to chat to quite a few of them. Yey.

Moon watching... I would have said star gazing but to be honest the stars aren't so clear. (Although I did see a shooting star the other day, hooray!) The moon however is very bright. In england we talk about the 'man on the moon'. In Zambia it was not a man but a rabbit. And I have to say, with just over half the moon showing, I think I can make out some rabbit ears... maybe it's something about the southern hemisphere...?!

so the roof is good for many things, and I will make the most of it while I can!

chennai beach

2011-03-14T12:07:00.000Z

As I said yesterday, the sea is in view from the building. Yesterday Andy, Kirsty and I strolled down to the beach in the late afternoon. Golden sunlight and sea breeze after being inside most of the day. LOVELY. There were plenty of families enjoying the sand, playing volleyball and cricket, groups of women in colourful saris sat gossiping... possibly about us, the only visibly 'foreigners' around as far as I could see. The sea is too dangerous to swim in, and we wondered if the Japanese earthquake had increased the tumultuous power of the waves. It felt like holiday time, only thing missing was an ice-cream!

India - first impressions

2011-03-13T05:41:00.000Z

The airport was still, empty expanses of shining floors reflecting fluorescent lights, beckoning the child in me to run and slide across them. queues of weary waiting passengers. The lady on passport control didn't quite believe that Kirsty was the same girl as in her passport photo. Long stares, eyes moving up and down from passport to face. She asked Kirsty her name and date of birth and let her through. As if a 'fake' wouldn't learn at least those details! Passport lady looked hard at me for a long while too. I wasn't sure whether to smile or not.

On stepping outside, Chennai is orange and dark blue. Orange from street lights that bathe the faces of the waiting crowds and people sleeping on the floors in an amber glow. Navy for the night, it is 2am, and dark spaces fill the gaps in the orange. I cannot see much from the taxi window, just long roads with barricades down the middle and men still gathered on street corners. The taxi flashes his lights as he overtakes vehicles on both their left and right. it smells... warm. Humid air filling my nose and lungs. I expected to be more overwhelmed by the smells, but they are gentle so far.

Sounds are horns beeping, dogs barking, fans rotating to cool our rooms and unknown insects buzzing and rattling throughout the night. And the sound of the sea, visible from our window, lapping against India's eastern coast.

So far the people I've met or seen seem shy, but friendly. Subtle exchanges you can barely notice. Saris grace the women, long scarves and triangles of exposed back or stomach. We have been well looked after so far at the YWAM base where we're staying. The mango squash is delicious. I find it quite strange that we will eat separately from the others, but people come in and out of our sitting/dining area regularly, and we'll be spending lots of time with those who are doing the movement stuff with us this week.

I am happy to be here. At last. A smile bubbled out of me as I left the airport.

the view from the roof...

something about...

2011-02-14T17:16:00.000Z

Something about wilderness
something about the days, weeks, months, years of waiting
something about being on the outside looking in
something about the yearning that makes heart feel heavy
something about the pinprick of hope that gets us up in the morning
something about waiting
something about plodding on
something about persevering
something about mountains that seem to stand in the way
something about mustard seeds
something about sunrise
something about holding on to a promise
and holding on
and holding on
something about remembering
something about a future we barely dare to imagine
something about dischordant
moving toward harmony
something about crying out
something about the One who hears
something about uncertainty
something about the Unchanging One
something about Something Bigger
something about our name
and the One who knows our name
and the One whose name is I AM.
I AM PRESENT
Something about today.
HE IS. Here. TODAY.

highlights

2011-01-28T20:23:00.000Z

highlights of this week (in no particular order):

butternut squash and chocolate cake at Nia cafe in Brighton (and a very kind boyfriend who paid!)
new boots! which were just what i'd had in mind, AND reduced, last in the shop and found without any shopping effort! Thank you God for caring about the little things... I'd been praying about it! :-)
breaking - i have started training again and there's lots of people coming to dance on a Monday which makes for a good atmosphere. i am pondering learning some locking since if i am very honest with myself i'll probably never manage to do most breaking moves! doh.
wholegrain bagels with cream cheese... why have i not eaten more of these in my life?!!
horseplay - a monthly night of poetry, music and randomness! i performed 2 poems which i was pleased about and they seemed to go down well. was a mixed evening but there was a brilliant, quite spiritual, moment at the end with some beautiful music and appreciated honesty
housemates. they are just great
new life - this week two friends have become mothers and one friend a grandmother for the first time!

CRAVE

2011-01-26T12:27:00.000Z

-Craving to go swimming- said Helen and I thought -Yes-.
Swimming in and surrounded by and under and filled with and moving and playing and surrendering and taking a risk as feet leave solid ground.

Only to be, only to be with you…

-CRAVING- said Helen
And the word plucked a string buried deep within
causing a sound to ring through my body
a sound almost dischordant
almost uncomfortable in its intensity

CRAVING
it sounds almost animal,
Humanity at its basest level
A desperate need
An urge
Not well presented, polite or polished
NO.

CRAVE
we almost dare not say it
-how uncouth– we murmur with raised eyebrows

CRAVE
When breathing becomes heavy and gaze becomes fixed
When
Nothing else
Nothing else
Nothing else
Nothing else
Matters.

CRAVE
When the world dims to irrelevant and I know the lights will only come back on when you return

CRAVE
This longing that aches my heart
That causes my stomach to twist
Trying to forget its emptiness
And my arms try to run run run away
O please hold me
O please hold me
Take my arms hands face cheeks back eyes ears face body mind thoughts dreams soul
Take me over
I want to be so close to you I can feel your breath
I want to be so close I don’t know where I end and you begin
Hide me under your wings
Envelop me

CRAVE
More than –I want-
more than –I would like-
more than –I need-

CRAVE
is perhaps the only word I can use.

(22 Jan 2011 by me)

dates wrapped in bacon...

2011-01-24T00:24:00.000Z

... my new favourite dinner party treat!

mm mmm mmmmm!!!

It is the word...

2011-01-20T12:59:00.000Z

“Poetry, my teacher: light the certainties of men and the tone of my words. You see, I risk speech even with bullets piercing phonemes. It is the word – that which is larger than its size – that speaks, does and happens. Here it reels, riddled with bullets. Uttered by toothless mouths in alleyway conspiracies, in deadly decisions. Sounds stir on ocean floors. The absence of sunlight really does darken forests. The strawberry liquid of icecream makes hands sticky. Words are born in thought; leaving lips, they acquire soul in the ears, yet sometimes this auditory magic does not make it as far as the mouth because it is swallowed dry. Massacred in the stomach along with rice and beans, these almost words are excreted rather than spoken. Words balk. Bullets talk”.

Paulo Lins, 'City of God', (p.16)

fave pics from france, december 2010

2011-01-16T17:02:00.000Z

doodles 2

2011-01-16T16:49:00.000Z

(arcoiris means rainbow...)

home?

2011-01-04T14:44:00.001Z

Where are you from?
Uuuuhhh…

Madeinkneyaborninhalifaxbredinbasingstokegrewupinzambiateenagerinoxfordstudiedinbrightonandi’mstillhere

Oh. Right.

So… where’s HOME?

Hmm…

Home can be a house and home can be a place
Home can be a person and home can be an embrace
Home can be a smell or a secret smile
Home can be a corner or a square mile…
Miles… a whole island. Or perhaps the sea.
Home can be a nation and home can
Just
Be
Me
Home can be private or something we share
Home we only notice when we realise it’s not there
Home we long for and home we miss
Home we search for and about home we reminisce
But home is often seen through rose tinted lenses
And when we look more carefully it’s not always as we remembered
But home’s not home cuz it’s perfect or else we’d never fit…

For some it’s four walls and a painted front door
Smells of apple crumble and coming back for more
For some it’s much less tangible like fleeting memories of a dream
It constantly eludes them on the blurry edges of their feeling

Oh home won’t you come find me?
For I am tired of searching
Perhaps you’ll surprise me with a visit one day
When I’ve forgotten what you mean to me
Perhaps you’ll wander in as I sit with a cup of tea
And dear friends
Perhaps you’ll join us at the table as we share food and stories
Perhaps you’ll creep in gradually
Silently
When I no longer care about what I wear
Or the state of my hair
Like a well thumbed book, I’ll be easily read

Yes yes!
Perhaps you’ll enter with a song and a dance
When I am just being myself
At last.

doodles

2011-01-04T14:35:00.000Z

2011

2011-01-01T20:44:00.001Z

happy new year peeps!

here's to a GOODUN'.

enjoyed celebrating last night with great friends, good food, bit of charades, partay..., good wine, brazilian music, samba, living room dancing, cup of tea and chats at 5am, picnic breakfast with candles. yep, an all nighter. it's been a while, i need to go to more parties, have got a bit too serious this year!

not thought about it a whole lot, but resolutions/aims that spring to mind for 2011 are:

- WRITE MORE

- DANCE MORE

- 'BE STILL' MORE

wanderer

2011-01-01T20:41:00.000Z

no sledging today then!

2010-12-04T12:44:00.001Z

Thursday...

Yesterday...

And today!

Awake!

2010-12-01T14:17:00.000Z

Come come my lover
Come come come away with me
Come come come run with me
Run with me further than you ever thought you…WE… could go
Ohh run run with me my darling
Hand in hand we will stride out
Taking new territory
Chasing away the darkness

You don’t believe me

You have stopped believing in impossible dreams.

Fix your eyes on me
Look into my eyes and see and see and see
That WITH ME
All things all things all things
(nothing can separate)
All things all things all things
(everything you need)
All things all things all things
(dare to dream, oh, dare to dream)
All things all things all things
(Put all your hope in me)
All things all things all things
ARE POSSIBLE.

I knock on the door
And I won’t give up on you
And I will wait for you in eager anticipation
The groom awaits his bride
And I will pursue you
Shower you with gifts from above
And I will run to you
When you call my name
And I’ll come in gladly to sit at your table and eat with you

Listen!
I am calling you
Beckoning you
A voice in the wilderness drawing you near
My dear my dear my dear
HAVE NO FEAR

Awake awake o sleeper
Awake awake o sleeper

The wild bells ring out
Now is the time
To arise and shine
Now is the time
To dance and sing and shout

Awake awake o sleeper

Shake off the lethargy
Shake off the timidity
I have made you a ROARING LION
Don’t be afraid to use your voice
I am the roar in you and the world needs to hear it
The world needs to hear
Because that roar it will shake foundations,
It will break down walls,
It will burst open cage doors
Allowing the birds to fly free
Oh join them flying free
Into the space
See
it awaits
it beckons
it calls

Katrina Pike
(November 2010)

space to pray

2010-11-29T11:33:00.000Z

Go here to read a thought provoking article on prayer rooms...

Performing my Revolution Poem at Floetics last week

2010-11-22T21:48:00.000Z

frosty sunrise - a great start to a day!

2010-11-17T17:21:00.001Z

Good.

2010-11-15T00:23:00.000Z

It's been a good weekend. Hopefully, a turning point, or rather, a 'lifting' point - from a few weeks of head down-feeling low-and wrapped up in me-dark times. Funny how those times come and they go, only when we're in the midst of it seems like they might last forever. And nothing's changed particularly, but i guess i don't feel so alone anymore, after some good friend-times and reading-times and perhaps that gives more strength to face the day, and the night, and to wait with hope rather than dread, and to pursue truth and hold on to it. rather than letting the lies steal away joy, steal away parts of me that are meant to be, steal away the light.

So, it really is just one day at a time. and maybe Sunday evenings are easier than Monday mornings but that's OK. we'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. do our best to live in the present. even if the present feels like Nothing, let's not give up.

So good things this weekend...

* Going up to London... I love it every time, I'd really like to live there... I know a lot of people say that but there's just something about it I love and want to experience more of. I like the chaos, the justaposition, the colour, the variety and repetition combined, the rawness, the creativity, the big, the unknown... It's also nice just to have a break from Brighton.

* Hanging out with Joy, a good friend of mine who I don't see enough of. Bare chats, and chilling, and lie-in, and lazing, and lunch out. Sweet.

* Stacy Makishi performing at Brixton Library - I met Stacy when doing the event at the Southbank Centre. Her 'Live Art' - which I'd say is like a one-girl-show, a mixture of prose, physical theatre and props (this time, hundreds of ping pong balls and chocolate cake!) is thoughtful, thought-provoking, funny honest and memorable.

* Pub with friends who instantly know you're not OK, and let you be you, and listen, and love you. Nuff said.

* New books!! I forget how much I like reading, and how much impact books can have. This weekend been reading
'The Fifth Figure' by Jean 'Binta' Breeze,
'On Writing' by Stephen King,
'The Poet, The Warrior, The Prophet' by Rubem A. Alves
and Psalm 130 by King David!
...all honest and inspiring and beautiful in different ways...

* Bonfire, food, and fireworks in our garden with some great people. Treat! Even if the fireworks were a bit lame. The homemade bread and butter pudding made up for it! woohoo!

There is lots to be thankful for. :-)

one of the good sunrises recently...

2010-10-31T19:47:00.000Z

2010-10-28T23:28:00.000+01:00

tired of feeling restless, hovering in between seasons. Yet. unwilling to settle. unready? scared of any sense of long-term. yet hungering for stability. but not really. i don't think. i don't know. frustrated by my not-knowing. annoyed by the fuzziness in my brain.

always, thinking about what's next. and not what's NOW. feeling like i've had enough and yet that i've barely even begun. here. same place but different faces. i miss hanging out with people who've known me for more than two years. we won't ever really go back to how things were. only in my imagination.

YET, i do belong, and i do have a place, places. even if i don't see it. i have worked hard, to know and be known. and there has been progress. i do know a whole selection of unique and brilliant people. i am not alone. slowly our lives are intertwining. i have a room with a beautiful view and there's been some awesome sunrises recently. i can see the sea as i walk to work(s). there's still plenty more to see...

Highlights from Something I Said?

2010-10-27T19:44:00.000+01:00

OK these are just a few personal highlights from a very hectic but GOOD weekend!!

Working with a fantastic group of people - the Tilt Team, the Southbank Centre Staff and the performers. Matching faces to email-names was really good. Much prefer face to face contact!

Walking along the Thames in winter sun to 'work' in my skirt and boots and feeling all 'grown up'

Luke Kennard falling off the stage. Harsh, I know, but it was good to laugh.

Jokes with Mike Ladd, Juice Aleem and Stacey Makishi in the green room

The Zumba taster...!

Hearing author Maggie Gee talk about reasons for writing

Meeting and hearing from such established poets such as Amiri Baraka, Jean 'Binta' Breeze, Michael Horowitz - and realising how central art can be to revolution.

David J on the microphone, he got skills! and a message...

Aruba Red and band - amazing!

Meeting so many people who are passionate about both the written and spoken word, and being inspired...

Something I Said?

2010-10-18T11:44:00.000+01:00

So the internship I am doing at the moment is with Tilt - 'spoken word pioneers' - who are curating this whole weekend of top quality events and performers. I'll be there all weekend helping out, looking forwards to it! Get yourself there if you can!

Sunny Saturday Mornings

2010-10-16T19:59:00.000+01:00

Silver Foxes

2010-10-16T13:46:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I spent the day filing silver foxes. Or in other words, I was helping make jewellery for my housemate Becky, who has her own business. She makes some really GREAT stuff in a cute workshop she shares with several other artists. Check out her website here! I love how her pieces do really tell stories.

I'm going to be working for her instead of paying rent, since she needs help and i have no money. I think it's a fab idea!! :-) we should have more money-less exchanges going in life i think...

poetry and prostitution...

2010-10-13T22:21:00.000+01:00

Ah my head is spinning! Life is RAAAAAAANDOM. In just three days I've worked a day at Pre-school, checked out a homeless drop-in, been promoting spoken word events and done some work for Citylight, a project that works with women involved in prostitution. This morning i was alternating between calling up women from the Friday ads to tell them about the support that Citylight can offer, and creating Facebook events for well established poets. crazy.

anyways more on all these things, like Citylight and poetry, SOON.

Cuz they r good innit.

Brighton Photo Fringe

2010-10-10T22:45:00.000+01:00

Definitely recommend taking a peep in the old Co-op building on London Road, which is exhibiting several photographers.

Especially liked Viviane Sassen's work, her colour and compositions are very striking.

llewellyn

2010-10-10T20:38:00.001+01:00

Glory

2010-10-09T11:27:00.001+01:00

'The whole earth is filled with His glory'...

LIKE, that slice of golden sunlight which overtook the purple wedge of cloud, casting a warm glow across hill
tops and tips
of leaves.

OR, the dew drops clutching lacy spider webs,
bejewelled strands lavishly draping straight lined hedgerows.

Birds that greet the morning with a song.

BUT, could we be
splinters of your laughter,
small fragments of your glory
scattered over the earth?

Maybe
you threw back your head in delight at what you had created,
clapped your hands with joy,
and, as a million more stars shot into the heavens like sparks from an anvil,
we were filled with your life, your breath.

And we move to the rhythm of the swaying grass
the pounding waves
the rise and set of sun.
for in all things there is heard the echoes of your heartbeat
so we dance, we dance.

And could the seas be
great pools of your tears?
tears of love so deep we'll never reach the bottom.
and this love it overwhelms us
it draws us
beckons us with its ceaseless lapping upon the shores.
stretches off to distant horizons.
and we paddle, wade, dive, play, float in it.

Love.

2010-10-09T00:58:00.000+01:00